upon reaching a certain age, you somehow have an idea of what you are. you generally develop your own concepts of things. you have your own beliefs and principles. basically, you have these notions that you are like this and that until something comes up and shakes things quite a bit.
like what i’ve said in my ealier blogs, i’m one conceited individual who thinks she’s intelligent. hehehe, as in, no one can make me believe i’m otherwise. it’s embedded and sealed in my brain. yeah, my conceit is that bad. even if i dont have proofs to my claim. or worse, even if it’s a lie i’ve been feeding myself.
secondly, i have this notion that i’m ready for anything. give me all the problems that you can think of, and i’ll find a way to get off the hook or at the very least, i’ll find a way to work around the problem so it wouldn’t look and feel as bad. translation. that for whatever it is thrown at me, sickness or responsibility, i will and shall not cower. i will and shall rise to the occasion.
lastly, i consider myself as one brave individual with enough fortitude to get through complicated things.
ha. right now, i’m faced with a situation that’s willing me to show that i’m not all conceit. that there’s actually meat and substance to the things that i say and claim. that there’s more sense in me than pretend bravado.
if i’m one of the few who was bestowed the power to declare a day as ‘today sucks day!’ then, expect my signature at the end of the proclamation document. really, today sucks! i don’t know if it’s lethargy. or if i’m just too preoccupied with my deadline that i couldn’t appreciate the good that this day has to offer. worse is, i couldn’t blame it on my-lack-of-sleep-thus-i’m-in-a-foul-mood defense because i did have a good night’s sleep the previous night.
well, the above passage was written hours ago. at midnight, the feeling is now that of sleepiness. in fact, i’m blogging to ward off the sleepiness creeping in. two, blogging gives me guilt feelings, thus i usually end up finishing my task. it works, enough for me to get my hands dirty again on a few passages.
apart from sleepiness, the ‘this-day-sucks!’ drama has totally left me. i don’t mean that’s i’m perfectly seeing the rest of the day with renewed enthusiasm. rather i’m saying that indeed a day can’t be that all bad. although, a good friend whom i texted to try to help me stay alert hasn’t made his presence felt yet. i’m totally cool as i know that even with my spur-of-the-moment late night messages, this person wouldn’t think ill of me. ha, he’s been a friend since grade school, so he’s actually left with no choice. poor guy.
xx: i’m speechless…. i need a drink.
xy: <looking at — intently>
xx: what? aren’t you going to say something? … stop staring at me!
xy: <looks continuously at — without averting his eyes>
xx: … cut it out, will you?
xy: why? what? what do you want me to do? what do you want me to say? i’ve said what I’ve came here for. you heard what i had to say and there’s nothing more i can add. that was the whole of it. now i’m happy that you know.
xx: you’re happy that i know. bull.
xy: listen.. all those years, i’ve been wanting to say those words to you. now that i’ve had, there’s nothing more i could ask for. i didn’t come here to ask you to leave your fiancee. i didn’t say those words so you’ll fall for me. i didn’t say those words so i can have you in my arms. i didn’t say those words to confuse you. i didn’t wan’t to upset you. i didn’t imagine what i had to say will upset you. i apologize for that. i never meant for you to feel the way you’re feeling now. had i known that what i had to say will have this effect on you, then i would have taken my little secret to my grave. the last thing i want to happen is for you to be this upset.
