last saturday for me went from ecstatic to a sudden surge of fear and loneliness. after my tutorial session with minji, i decided to go to ayala to grab dinner and perhaps a late night movie. as was my practice, i walked from our office to ayala. as soon as got to ayala, i felt something’s amiss with my beautiful u. thus, i hurried to metro grocery to arm myself with non-wings, two rolls of t. paper, and a 50 ml alcohol. though i was very hungry after i paid for my items, i opted to go to the nearest john for fear that my gear might not be able to hold it. bottomline; i didn’t want another waterfront episode to happen again. as soon as i entered the cubicle, i did my thing. whew, IN… OUT… IN… OUT… "nothing to worry, vet… you’ve been here before… never mind the mass or two. just keep yourself together. don’t be angry that this is happening again. it’ll just make the flow worse.. whew! what’s the trigger this time? was it stress from work? was it the overexcitement over teaching minji tayutay?… what? what? what?" so screamed the voices in my head. got out of the cubicle and washed my hands thoroughly. left the john, to hopefully find food for dinner. however, not long before i reached the ramp towards the grocery, i felt another surge. i backtracked and walked back to the john. repeat IN…. OUT… IN…. OUT…"don’t be scared vet. you’ll get through this. just don’t faint. no one is here to help should you faint or what… just breathe…" IN… OUT… IN… OUT… ha, by this time, the you’re alone thoughts kicked in…"snapped out of it, vet. lord, i’ve accepted the fact that i’ve this condition. please dont slap it on my face that i may never be able to have a child of my own. i dont need the reminder"…. wash… wash… wash… walk…walk… walk… go back… go back… go back… and the tears just came. i couldn’t hold them back any longer when i had to repeat the process for the third time. never mind that there’s another person in the other side of the partition. never mind that the janitor was waiting for you to finish since the store’s about to close for the day. never mind that he’d think you were dumped by a boyfriend and now attempting to do an abortion. never mind the spots of blood on the floor. never mind all those, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. it’s perfectly all right to cry because you’re scared and you feel that you’re utterly alone. you have the right to be scared. feel no shame that you’ve a puffy red eyes. had it not for the time of the night, i would have stayed longer to make sure that there wouldn’t be another surge. i walked out of the cr rambling to the lord, "get me through this… get me through this… you’ve done this with me before, we can do this again. get me through this. help please!"… i was crying because of the indignity of all this. i was crying because i’ve experienced this for the nth time and it still has the power to control me. i was crying because it showed how little my faith is of the lord. i was crying because it’s just too damn painful. physically painful. hungry and scared, i flagged down a cab, choosing the one that had black upholster.
past forward to few hours. sunday.
i woke up with dried b…. all over the curettee. again, not very unfamiliar sight. since it was a sunday morning, our tv was ON. my sister likes the priest that officiates the tv mass. holy..holy..holy… during the homily, the priest was telling about a woman named joanna. her story had hit home.
joanna is a friend of the priest. she wrote to him to share the miracles that happened to her. her story goes like this: joanna was engaged to be married. days before her wedding, she was bleeding profusely. she later found out the cause of her bleeding. she was diagnosed to having a tumor in her uterus. the tumor according to her doctor was about fist-sized. an operation was necessary to take the tumor out of her body. learning this made joanna to feel depressed. the family commissioned the priest to talk to joanna. prior to the operation, the family gathered to pray over joanna and to the success of the operation. during the operation, joanna’s doctors were up for a surprise. when they opened her up, they couldn’t find the big mass indicated in her x-ray photo. they took out her intestines to try to locate for the big mass. the doctors didn’t find a big mass, what they found instead was a very tiny mass. though the tumor has shrunk overnight, the damage to her uterus had been done. joanna had to face the fact of a possible childless marriage. this again caused joanna to feel depressed. again, the priest tried to talk to joanna about not losing faith. that god is more than capable of bringing miracle into her life. sure enough, joanna again experienced another miracle as she later found out that she was pregnant. but her happiness was short-lived. early medical tests indicate that the baby she’s carrying might have down-syndrome. her doctors advised her to pre-terminate the baby. joanna and her husband decided againt it. they decided to go ahead with the pregnancy especially that it was miracle enough for joanna to conceive. the early periods of her pregnancy proved to be difficult. she was recommended to have complete bed rest. while all these were happening, joanna and her family continuously pray to make both the mother and the child safe. four days before the tv mass aired, oct. 25, wednesday, joanna delivered to the world a healthy and a normal baby girl.
i don’t know if joanna’s story was a pure coincidence or if it was the lord’s answer to my ramblings the previous night. as i was listening to the priest recount joanna’s story, i couldn’t help feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. i was crying my hearts out because joanna’s story was too familiar for comfort. minus a man in the picture, her issues were my issues.
the priest’s parting shot was this: faith is something you do or have in the absence of something tangible, but faith’s reward is something that is so tangible. that is, faith’s reward is the concrete manifestation of your heart’s desire.
