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Archive for January, 2007

Jan

flashing thoughts…..

By decrechoice 1 Comment

Categories: thought release

…

have you ever wanted something so badly that makes your stomach queasy?

… there’s something that i don’t understand. how come i get so affected with things so easily? why can’t i be like most people who can just easily shrug things off? what was it that changed me? i used to be oblivious and indifferent to most things…

>>> i know about compartmentalization. i’m a master at it back in college. yet, somewhere along, i managed to unlearn it. today, i am unable to compartmentalize…….

i could hear my heart beat. fast. it’s beating so fast that i want my heart to burst just so the tension in my nerves is relieved. yet no matter how my brain commands it to slow down, the fighter heart pays no heed to good ole little brain.

???????? when will the heartaches end?

you there. do you think if i’m wiped off the face of the earth, you will get the vindication you seek?!? i’ve rammed my mind, but i just couldn’t fathom why you should be made to pay for things that aren’t your undoing. how vindictive can people get?

the ego.

++++++++ to what extent will a person go just so he could save his ego?

what is pride?

what is humiliation?

what is principle?

what is greed?

greed and principle. do they go together? can they go together?

]]]]]]why are some susceptible to anger? why can’t i convince myself that angry outbursts are normal and okay?

why the pain? why are the events repeating? what’s the lesson unlearned?

[[[[[[ why are my hands shaking? why can't i control a simple a gland as my lacrimal?

why is caring about people hurtful? how can you lose compassion? i want to lose it. i really, really wish i could stop caring about people.

>>>>>> let me unlearn empathy. help me control the shaking of my hands. help.

faith. right, kapatid?

Jan

mission: focus

By decrechoice 1 Comment

Categories: thought release

in my earlier blog, i mentioned about a mission. up until now, even with a slight fever and headache… i’m still ramming my head over it. geez, i don’t know what’s scaring me. i find the mission i’ve placed on my shoulder really daunting. my instinct is yelling to back out of it, before i get too involved and be suck under in the quicksand fast. yet, my ever reliable little brain is yelling with equal force "don’t be a moron, vet. you can do this."

ha. truthfully i’m scared as hell. i’ve never been scared in my life. i wasn’t even that scared when i had the worst allergic reaction ever. even with my sister telling me that i look like death then.

but, i am now.

yes, i am scared.

freaking out to be exact.

should i take the leap?

jump? what? what? what?

second instinct is telling me to retrieve and check my high school yearbook. i did. this is what i said then:

"At 26, I’m completely a different person, having discovered my true identity, living on my own and pursuing my masteral degree in psychology."

well, the only thing that came true out of my 10-year from now projection at 16, is me reaching 26. how pathetic can that be? i’m 27 now, and a zilch is happening.

i’m completely a different person - this isn’t true as i’m no different now than when i was in high school. i still wear freakin’ jeans and shirts, and i don’t see it changing anytime soon either. just like high school, i still keep to myself. by this, i mean, i still manage to keep things to myself. no matter how you ask me a question, if your question doesn’t concern you, i’m not giving you a straight answer. just like high school, talking to an xy about relationships is uncomfortable to me. so i don’t talk about it with an xy or if i hint that the conversation is going to that direction i usually find a way to put a stop to it. i still believe that i’ve no right to like a person or for that person to like me back. just like in high school, i’m in denial that i maybe liking a person too much. perhaps the only thing that’s different is my hair. i’ve shorter hair now compared to my longer hair back then.

having discovered my true identity - i learned that this statement is illogical. you don’t discover your identity. there’s no definite identity to discover to begin with. you are what you are because of the experiences you gain in life. your identity evolves. as you continue to tread the earth, your identity changes as the different things thrown at you will shape you in a certain way for that certain time. you continue to evolve whether you like it or not. with or without your knowledge.

pursuing my masteral degree in psychology - i changed my mind on this. so nothing here until there’s a reversal on my want list.

living on my own - i still live with my parents. we still live at the same house that we don’t even own nor rent. and this, i think, is the root of all these anxiety right now. i’ll not even begin to expound on this. heck, i’ll do it anyway. amidst all these qualms and uncertainties, i know without an iota of doubt that as far back as high school, this is what i want. i guess, this is the main reason why i’m such daunted by my mission. i want this so badly that the thought that i’m going to fail on my self-created mission is putting a damper on my dream. geez, as pathetic a reason as not INTO being neighbors with officemates is slowly creeping in my head, trying to talk me out of my mission. i so don’t want this to happen. what’s so wrong with being neighbors with people you work with? what is so bad about your officemates seeing snippets of your life on a daily basis? for crying out loud vet, you’re even making assumptions of what they’ll do. get over yourself, you’re not that magnetic a stimulus that they’d even bother to be concerned with how you’re gonna lead your life. chin’s right vet.

Jan

off to luzon 2

By decrechoice 0 Comments

Categories: dailysnippet

continuation….

the bus trip from pasay to sison, pangasinan took a little over four hours. we arrived at sison bus stop [a victory liner stopover] a little past 5 in the morning. it was freezing cold and we had to wait for line’s cousin to pick us up. a few minutes after, line’s cuz and her fiancee arrived to take us to an inn. haha, the town being small doesn’t have much to speak of as far as accommodation is concerned. but then again, we weren’t there for the accommodation. we slept a little before line’s cuz woke us up for breakfast. the groom’s family prepared some food for the guests from cebu [of which si ley ug si vet, dala sa kahig...hehehe] it was the first time in months that i really had a full breakfast as in super lami ila food gi.prepare. if my memory serves me, it was ley and i who was left last on the table <di bitaw, hinay lang mi mokaon, LOL!> after breakfast, line and some of her cuz who were part of the entourage did some fitting of gowns. line, having done with her obligation for the day, managed to ask permission to slip from the busy wedding preparations. thus, the three of us went back to ‘bus stop’ to get a ride going to baguio. we had the whole afternoon to while away our time before we go back to pangasinan for the "despida de soltera." by not following instructions, what was supposed to be a 45-minute jeepney ride to baguio became a two-hour bus drive. thus, we were darn famished when we reached baguio. the first thing we did in baguio was hopped on an FX taxi [btw, most of their taxis are FX, non-aircon, flag down rate is Php30 and 1.50 patak] and headed for what we assumed to be the safest place to eat: sm baguio. yup, some portions of the mall were wide open, very welcoming to the cool breeze. it also has a nice viewing deck where you can see most of baguio. soon after we had lunch, we headed straight to burnham park. it is one huge park wtih nice cool air and the pines, lots of them! [ihas jud ba]. we strolled a bit until we saw the boating lagoon. there are several duckie-dinosaur rowboats which park goers can rent for a minimal fee of PhP80 for every 30-minute ride. from the boating lagoon, we went straight to a restaurant within burnham to tryout their bibingka and the violet-looking puto bumbong. their bibingka is way different from cebu’s. it’s tasty, yet bingka sa mandaue pa rin ang the best. the violet yucky-looking food was a surprise. haha, lami siya and we only ordered a serving, toinks! not quite full with the bibingka and puto bumbong, we bought sweet corn dipped in butter and sugar as we headed for the victory liner terminal. we got back to sison, around 8 o’clock - just in time for dinner. super pabaga na pud, line’s cuz and her fiancee took all of us [including line's other cuz from cebu] to the groom’s house for dinner and the "despideda de soltera". it was a pretty unique experience. something i wouldn’t experience in cebu. — [vet dec. 27]

Jan

fever talks

By decrechoice 0 Comments

Categories: thought release

i’ve a weird reaction to fright, to the unknown. back in college, one of the main requirements to finish anthropology 181 class is to participate in an immersion. the students in that class has to live with a family living in zaragosa island, badian, cebu. the student has to live as the folks whom s/he’ll be staying for at least a week??? [the exact number of days you'll have to live with the local family escapes me now] are living. well, the unexposed to reality and experiences that is me, has never left the comforts of our home. heck, i don’t even stay with relatives for a long haul because i’m set in my ways. in short, i don’t quite adapt well living with my relatives much more with virtual strangers [ha, on the occasion that i do, i always end up staying only for a few hours, never to sleep for the night]. this, and the fact that the place which will serve as our temporary abode for several days doesn’t have the basic amenities such as c.r. scared the hell out of me. yeah, days before our scheduled trip, i was in my perfect health. though not excited over the trip, i had no choice but to pack my bags and go with the rest of the group. however, the night before the trip, i suddenly had a burning fever. the fever came out of nowhere. i was just so sick the following morning that i couldn’t make the trip. the bigger part of my class standing depend largely on my participation in that immersion. yet, i had to stay home. there’s no way will my mother allow me to leave the house and go to an unknown place with a burning fever. i remember crying dams because failure to join the immersion is tantamount to you failing the class altogether.

i call what happened to me as psychological fever. haha, there’s no clinical term for what happened to me or if that even exists, but i label it as such anyway. my little theory says that my brain is dead set against joining the immersion and leaving home that by mulling and dreading over what will come out during the immersion for several days prompted my brain to signal that i’m too sick to go. being the powerful brain, it was able to command my body to be sick.

the past days to me seem like deja vu. recently, i’ve set my mind on a mission. my little brain says to go ahead with the mission this year or i’ll never be able to do it at all. to my mind, the mission involves a great deal of risk and leaving home eventually. again, in all my 27 years, i’ve never been on my own. i’ve never lived without my parents and siblings, except during my mini trips once or twice a year. i’ve never been responsible for myself as far as fending for myself is concerned. i don’t cook my own meals, i don’t wash my own clothes, i don’t clean the house. i don’t buy groceries for the house, etc., etc. my current home is just my sleeping quarters. i’m a mere "palamunin" who contributes only a small amount of money. now, this mission has occupied and continues to occupy my mind for several days now. i can’t help it, but think about it day in and day out. i find myself looking at ways and torturing my little brain just so i can accomplish the mission. as i frequently think about it, the more i scare myself. ha, i’m dreading what i’m about to do. should i take a leap? or, just stay stuck in my comfort zone. guess what? i’m punching these keys with a fever. haha, sure the sun was really unforgiving earlier this afternoon, but i wouldn’t think of it as the culprit why i’m battling with a bad cold and a fever. the idea that i might fail in this mission is giving me sleepless nights. ha, the past days i find myself waking up as early as four a.m. and all i do is think and dread what lies ahead of me. well, psychological sickness or not, i’m taking the plunge. i’ll just talk to my beautiful to cooperate with me on this one, as it’s a big leap for me. i will try my very best to not be daunted with the mission and to not be fooled with psychological sickness. crossing my fingers on this one. so help me GOD.

p.s. my mother went to my school to talk to my teacher before they left for zaragosa island, badian. she gave me another project. i had to write a term paper on the "kaka" culture in the city. i didn’t flunk anthro 181.

Jan

crazy babble

By decrechoice 0 Comments

Categories: thought release

it feels downright weird and sad. you look in the mirror and the lacrimal glands just go into overdrive. you can’t seem to stop the tears from rolling. nothing spectacular nor tragic happened. but you produce the silent tears. reaction: panic. oh..oh, what’s going on? what’s the trigger this time? your beautiful u is not acting up. you already know that your name has been tainted with labor cases. there’s no news there. you already know that. get over it. but why the tears? why the pain? what’s that tug in your heart? what’s causing it? perhaps the theory that you’re going nuts is doing a self-fulfilling prophecy on you? what is it that you’re not admitting to yourself? who is it that you’re thinking? what is it that you want so badly that you feel your chest is about to burst if you don’t let it out? why are you so afraid of change? why do you wish to talk to that darn person? why are you so happy when you talk to that darn person? what has that person gotten into you? why is seeing an object that the person owns puts a smile to your face? or a tug if you don’t? you certainly didn’t choose that person’s face to intermittently pop into your head. so there shouldn’t be guilt involved. you didn’t choose it. it just happened. as much as you’d rather not want the disturbance, it’s there. it won’t go away until you deal with it. yet, you ask. what’s there to deal, when i’m in a limbo? and no specific scenario to begin with. you once came across a crappy line that says things repeat itself, maybe in different form and different characters, until lesson is learned. you believe without an iota of doubt that something’s happening again. same situation, different characters. but same emotions. a lesson unlearned. so what’s freakin’ going on, coward?

Jan

off to luzon

By decrechoice 1 Comment

Categories: dailysnippet

the later part of 2006 was a pretty trying year for me. what with people insinuating that they’d stop at nothing to have me behind bars or to have me criminally indicted. plus, to see projects slipped out of my hands merely because clients pulled out is more than enough to cause me torment. that’s because it costs me the organization that i’ve fought with blood <literally> and sweat. but then again, i couldn’t fault clients to make such a rash decision. in fact, i take full responsibility as i relied so much in the goodness of people. haha, naive me still believe that people are innately good. as soon as that fateful day, i was tasked to report on the status of our projects. surprise, surprise… i learned that i was given misleading reports. i was confident that we’ll be able to pull off our impossible deadline. but voila… what were reported to me as done were in truth untouched. it still beats me how such a person dared to led me on when the person knows that the work involved is that which will provide bread on everyone’s table. lastly, which to me is the most grievous offense that DID IT all, was the atrocity done on the contents of our programs. or should i say, the "nonexistent contents." shocked was an understatement at what i uncovered when i opened our program and found that only few data were left intact. the rest of the items, which i religiously checked before and found to have indeed been done, were EMPTY. it couldn’t have been a bug in the program because there was a pattern in the missing data. imagine the surprise of the paid subscribers.

but let bygones be bygones.

acting on that and the idea that you could only be tormented if you give your consent to mental suffering, i chose to spend the rest of december in northern luzon together with L and L. yup, i capped the year away from home. late morning on december 25, i and two others hopped on the ship SF2 bound for manila. we arrived in manila a little over 3 in the afternoon the next day. we then proceeded to the victory liner bus terminal in pasay city to learn what we’re supposed to ride to get to sison, pangasinan for the wedding of L’s cousin. wanting a little taste of manila, the three of us checked in at the gran prix econotel right next to the terminal. after freshening up, we braved the streets of manila. hopped on a bus bound for <was it baclaran? i forgot> to get to sm mall of asia. haha, ignoramus us craved stepping inside the

biggest mall in the region. after an hour or two, we headed to the famous baywalk to grab dinner. the place was packed with people and it took us some time to find a spot and satisfy our growling stomachs. soon after we walked the stretch of roxas boulevard to head and see for ourselves if the luneta postcard is real <LOL!> true enough, there was good old joe. took some pix and headed straight in search of the famous walled city in intramuros. ping, it’s past 9:30 in the evening and yet we’re eager to set foot on intramuros soil. haha, we’re lost and couldn’t find the darn wall seen on the postcard. what we found instead was the manila cathedral and the impressive manila provincial capitol. persistent, we continued our search only to arrive at the fort’s exit. it was a consolation that intramuros has a quaint feel to it which left me with nothing but oh’s and ahs. but since it’s about 11 pm, we decided to give the search of the wall a rest. we got on a taxi to get to gran prix econotel, who bless the driver!, took the long route and we ended up seeing the night lights of makati. we checked out at 1 a.m. and took the baguio-bound victory liner bus to reach sison, pangasinan. [vet - dec. 25 am - dec. 27 1 a.m.]

Jan

bored ramblings

By decrechoice 1 Comment

Categories: dailysnippet

it’s barely the 10th of january and yet i already have an eventful 2007. for starters, before 2006 ended, c and i received a summon to appear before the nlrc arbiter. the settlement hearing was slated last january 4. however, upon the advice of our lawyer, we didn’t make an appearance. he told us that our presence before the esteemed office was not necessary. the number of emps who filed the complaint already received their settlement payments and they signed their quit claims before a representative from dole. besides, the purpose of the hearing was to come up with a settlement. thus, the assurance given to us. yet even with this, i still have a nagging feeling that the issue isn’t over. as mr. lawyer himself said, any disgruntled or misled individual is afforded by our law freedom to file as many case as s/he wants. true enough, we received another summon. this time from dole. the hearing is this january 17. i’m yet to know how we’ll proceed from there, the same way that i’m yet to know what has come of the hearing at nlrc.

on a personal matter, i just had my first ever hospital visit for the year.

reason:

i had an allergic reaction to something and it triggered my beautiful u’s symptoms.

the drama:

around 10:30 pm, sunday, i noticed a couple of rashes on my skin. they were bigger than your usual blotch from a mosquito bite. since they were itchy, i applied rubbing alcohol on my left arm. after a minute or two, the rashes spread all over my body. at the same time, i felt a queasy feeling in my stomach. i rushed to the cr. next thing i knew, i was sitting on the floor of our very cramped cr with no memory of what happened to me a minute ealier. when i came to, i was a bit disoriented but still managed to get out of the john. by this time, i called my sister telling her that something’s wrong with me. i felt like fainting again as if the floor’s beckoning me to sit. not wanting to lie on the wet floor, i dragged myself to my folding bed and lied down. recounts from both my sister and mother, who i remembered were trying to instruct me to do deep breathing and were massaging me, reveal that i look like death. color was drained out of my body and was perspiring cold sweat. as they continue to massage me, i asked to be taken to the hospital as my condition hasn’t improved and i felt that my beautifu u was acting up. when we got to cdh’s e.r., my allergic reaction has let up, but the pain on my beautiful u hasn’t. additionally, i threw up what’s left of my dinner. unfortunately, the doctors couldn’t attend to me immediately as they were busy trying to revive two other patients. when one of the doctors was free, she did a quick check up and had a nurse administer an injection of pain reliever on me. a few minutes after, i went to the lab to have a cbc and a urinalysis. only a cbc was taken as i suddenly had a surge of blood. after this, another doctor examined me. two hours after, the result of my cbc came. my white blood cells count was 16.1 to the normal 5.0-10.k/cumm. the docs said that it wasn’t alarming but according to them this suggests i have an infection somewhere. as to what, they couldn’t find out. when doc 3 couldn’t find out what’s causing my pain, came israeli-pakistani descent doc 4. he did some poking and the mandatory interview and left. a little later, doc 3 came with filipino doc 5. by this time, i was bleeding profusely. this alarmed the docs, which i explained to them was not alarming as it’s my usual discharge when i’m under stress. doc 5 proceeded to doing his own set of physical check-up and then left. around 3AM, doc 3 and doc 4 came with another pakistani-descent doc 6. he asked me the same questions the other docs been asking me the past hours. [haha, by this time nahutdan nako ug english trying to explain to the foreign doctors my uterine condition]. when pakistani-descent doc 6 couldn’t figure out what’s wrong with me, he came back with filipino doc 7 [and 3]. here, doc 7 finally ruled that my case isn’t surgery-related, but that of ob. so doc 3 asked if i have an ob. i gave her a name, but apparently my ob is not affiliated with cdh. thus, they gave me a list of their affiliated docs. since i’m a little sensitive about my condition, i didnt want just anybody else poking me. haha, pabaga ko ug nawong and texted a couple of friends for a name of an ob they knew. ping! i was embarrassed because my doc friend was on duty and dropped by the e.r. as i couldn’t fool her that i’m at the hosp for a routine check-up. yeah, my befuddled mind forgot that it was 4AM and NOBODY in their right minds does a routine check-up at such an ungodly hour. cdh’s resident ob on duty then came for the exams that i dread the most, huhuhu… left cdh past 12 in the afternoon.

Jan

2006 overview

By decrechoice 1 Comment

Categories: thought release

2006 was a pretty interesting year for me. lots of trip to my otherwise mundane existence. on top of that i’ve a labor case courtesy of people whose egos are fed by bringing down others just so they could lift themselves up in the guise of justice and the rule of law. Two-O-O-Six was also the year my lacrimal glands <false memory, dean koontz tnx> went into overdrive. nevertheless, i’m still grateful for the year that was because several blessings were received and questions about myself were answered. additionally, i had great and meaningful conversations with brilliant people both from u.p. days and at work. haha, i consider great conversations a key factor in making my year memorable. lastly, i’m thankful to the people who both brought happiness and pain to me for without them i wouldn’t have realized my worth and wouldn’t have known the stuff i’m made of. to you guys past and present, i owe you much. bliss!

trips, trips, trips… [thanks to chelley for introducing me to wonders of traveling]

tagaytay, april 7 [view from splendido]