infinitepossibilities

in my earlier blog, i mentioned about a mission. up until now, even with a slight fever and headache… i’m still ramming my head over it. geez, i don’t know what’s scaring me. i find the mission i’ve placed on my shoulder really daunting. my instinct is yelling to back out of it, before i get too involved and be suck under in the quicksand fast. yet, my ever reliable little brain is yelling with equal force "don’t be a moron, vet. you can do this."

ha. truthfully i’m scared as hell. i’ve never been scared in my life. i wasn’t even that scared when i had the worst allergic reaction ever. even with my sister telling me that i look like death then.

but, i am now.

                     yes, i am scared.

freaking out to be exact.

                      should i take the leap?

jump? what? what? what?

second instinct is telling me to retrieve and check my high school yearbook. i did. this is what i said then:

"At 26, I’m completely a different person, having discovered my true identity, living on my own and pursuing my masteral degree in psychology."

well, the only thing that came true out of my 10-year from now projection at 16, is me reaching 26. how pathetic can that be? i’m 27 now, and a zilch is happening.

i’m completely a different person - this isn’t true as i’m no different now than when i was in high school. i still wear freakin’ jeans and shirts, and i don’t see it changing anytime soon either. just like high school, i still keep to myself. by this, i mean, i still manage to keep things to myself. no matter how you ask me a question, if your question doesn’t concern you, i’m not giving you a straight answer. just like high school, talking to an xy about relationships is uncomfortable to me. so i don’t talk about it with an xy or if i hint that the conversation is going to that direction i usually find a way to put a stop to it. i still believe that i’ve no right to like a person or for that person to like me back. just like in high school, i’m in denial that i maybe liking a person too much. perhaps the only thing that’s different is my hair. i’ve shorter hair now compared to my longer hair back then.

having discovered my true identity - i learned that this statement is illogical. you don’t discover your identity. there’s no definite identity to discover to begin with. you are what you are because of the experiences you gain in life. your identity evolves. as you continue to tread the earth, your identity changes as the different things thrown at you will shape you in a certain way for that certain time. you continue to evolve whether you like it or not. with or without your knowledge.

pursuing my masteral degree in psychology - i changed my mind on this. so nothing here until there’s a reversal on my want list.

living on my own - i still live with my parents. we still live at the same house that we don’t even own nor rent. and this, i think, is the root of all these anxiety right now. i’ll not even begin to expound on this. heck, i’ll do it anyway. amidst all these qualms and uncertainties, i know without an iota of doubt that as far back as high school, this is what i want. i guess, this is the main reason why i’m such daunted by my mission. i want this so badly that the thought that i’m going to fail on my self-created mission is putting a damper on my dream. geez, as pathetic a reason as not INTO being neighbors with officemates is slowly creeping in my head, trying to talk me out of my mission. i so don’t want this to happen. what’s so wrong with being neighbors with people you work with? what is so bad about your officemates seeing snippets of your life on a daily basis? for crying out loud vet, you’re even making assumptions of what they’ll do. get over yourself, you’re not that magnetic a stimulus that they’d even bother to be concerned with how you’re gonna lead your life. chin’s right vet.

i’ve a weird reaction to fright, to the unknown. back in college, one of the main requirements to finish anthropology 181 class is to participate in an immersion. the students in that class has to live with a family living in zaragosa island, badian, cebu. the student has to live as the folks whom s/he’ll be staying for at least a week??? [the exact number of days you'll have to live with the local family escapes me now] are living. well, the unexposed to reality and experiences that is me, has never left the comforts of our home. heck, i don’t even stay with relatives for a long haul because i’m set in my ways. in short, i don’t quite adapt well living with my relatives much more with virtual strangers [ha, on the occasion that i do, i always end up staying only for a few hours, never to sleep for the night]. this, and the fact that the place which will serve as our temporary abode for several days doesn’t have the basic amenities such as c.r. scared the hell out of me. yeah, days before our scheduled trip, i was in my perfect health. though not excited over the trip, i had no choice but to pack my bags and go with the rest of the group. however, the night before the trip, i suddenly had a burning fever. the fever came out of nowhere. i was just so sick the following morning that i couldn’t make the trip. the bigger part of my class standing depend largely on my participation in that immersion. yet, i had to stay home. there’s no way will my mother allow me to leave the house and go to an unknown place with a burning fever. i remember crying dams because failure to join the immersion is tantamount to you failing the class altogether.

i call what happened to me as psychological fever. haha, there’s no clinical term for what happened to me or if that even exists, but i label it as such anyway. my little theory says that my brain is dead set against joining the immersion and leaving home that by mulling and dreading over what will come out during the immersion for several days prompted my brain to signal that i’m too sick to go. being the powerful brain, it was able to command my body to be sick.

the past days to me seem like deja vu. recently, i’ve set my mind on a mission. my little brain says to go ahead with the mission this year or i’ll never be able to do it at all. to my mind, the mission involves a great deal of risk and leaving home eventually. again, in all my 27 years, i’ve never been on my own. i’ve never lived without my parents and siblings, except during my mini trips once or twice a year. i’ve never been responsible for myself as far as fending for myself is concerned. i don’t cook my own meals, i don’t wash my own clothes, i don’t clean the house. i don’t buy groceries for the house, etc., etc. my current home is just my sleeping quarters. i’m a mere "palamunin" who contributes only a small amount of money. now, this mission has occupied and continues to occupy my mind for several days now. i can’t help it, but think about it day in and day out. i find myself looking at ways and torturing my little brain just so i can accomplish the mission. as i frequently think about it, the more i scare myself. ha, i’m dreading what i’m about to do. should i take a leap? or, just stay stuck in my comfort zone. guess what? i’m punching these keys with a fever. haha, sure the sun was really unforgiving earlier this afternoon, but i wouldn’t think of it as the culprit why i’m battling with a bad cold and a fever. the idea that i might fail in this mission is giving me sleepless nights. ha, the past days i find myself waking up as early as four a.m. and all i do is think and dread what lies ahead of me. well, psychological sickness or not, i’m taking the plunge. i’ll just talk to my beautiful to cooperate with me on this one, as it’s a big leap for me. i will try my very best to not be daunted with the mission and to not be fooled with psychological sickness. crossing my fingers on this one. so help me GOD.

p.s. my mother went to my school to talk to my teacher before they left for zaragosa island, badian. she gave me another project. i had to write a term paper on the "kaka" culture in the city. i didn’t flunk anthro 181.