infinitepossibilities

i’ve a weird reaction to fright, to the unknown. back in college, one of the main requirements to finish anthropology 181 class is to participate in an immersion. the students in that class has to live with a family living in zaragosa island, badian, cebu. the student has to live as the folks whom s/he’ll be staying for at least a week??? [the exact number of days you'll have to live with the local family escapes me now] are living. well, the unexposed to reality and experiences that is me, has never left the comforts of our home. heck, i don’t even stay with relatives for a long haul because i’m set in my ways. in short, i don’t quite adapt well living with my relatives much more with virtual strangers [ha, on the occasion that i do, i always end up staying only for a few hours, never to sleep for the night]. this, and the fact that the place which will serve as our temporary abode for several days doesn’t have the basic amenities such as c.r. scared the hell out of me. yeah, days before our scheduled trip, i was in my perfect health. though not excited over the trip, i had no choice but to pack my bags and go with the rest of the group. however, the night before the trip, i suddenly had a burning fever. the fever came out of nowhere. i was just so sick the following morning that i couldn’t make the trip. the bigger part of my class standing depend largely on my participation in that immersion. yet, i had to stay home. there’s no way will my mother allow me to leave the house and go to an unknown place with a burning fever. i remember crying dams because failure to join the immersion is tantamount to you failing the class altogether.

i call what happened to me as psychological fever. haha, there’s no clinical term for what happened to me or if that even exists, but i label it as such anyway. my little theory says that my brain is dead set against joining the immersion and leaving home that by mulling and dreading over what will come out during the immersion for several days prompted my brain to signal that i’m too sick to go. being the powerful brain, it was able to command my body to be sick.

the past days to me seem like deja vu. recently, i’ve set my mind on a mission. my little brain says to go ahead with the mission this year or i’ll never be able to do it at all. to my mind, the mission involves a great deal of risk and leaving home eventually. again, in all my 27 years, i’ve never been on my own. i’ve never lived without my parents and siblings, except during my mini trips once or twice a year. i’ve never been responsible for myself as far as fending for myself is concerned. i don’t cook my own meals, i don’t wash my own clothes, i don’t clean the house. i don’t buy groceries for the house, etc., etc. my current home is just my sleeping quarters. i’m a mere "palamunin" who contributes only a small amount of money. now, this mission has occupied and continues to occupy my mind for several days now. i can’t help it, but think about it day in and day out. i find myself looking at ways and torturing my little brain just so i can accomplish the mission. as i frequently think about it, the more i scare myself. ha, i’m dreading what i’m about to do. should i take a leap? or, just stay stuck in my comfort zone. guess what? i’m punching these keys with a fever. haha, sure the sun was really unforgiving earlier this afternoon, but i wouldn’t think of it as the culprit why i’m battling with a bad cold and a fever. the idea that i might fail in this mission is giving me sleepless nights. ha, the past days i find myself waking up as early as four a.m. and all i do is think and dread what lies ahead of me. well, psychological sickness or not, i’m taking the plunge. i’ll just talk to my beautiful to cooperate with me on this one, as it’s a big leap for me. i will try my very best to not be daunted with the mission and to not be fooled with psychological sickness. crossing my fingers on this one. so help me GOD.

p.s. my mother went to my school to talk to my teacher before they left for zaragosa island, badian. she gave me another project. i had to write a term paper on the "kaka" culture in the city. i didn’t flunk anthro 181.