infinitepossibilities

……

in between 24 and 27 something happened to me. i don’t know what that was that happened or why it happened. i cannot specifically pinpoint what "IT" was. all i know is that what used to give me pleasure such as seeing a baby or a toddler now gives me extreme pain. all i know is everytime i see a little child my heart muscles contract, my arteries constrict. i feel that something’s wrong with the way i’m seeing things now. i am becoming aware that i’m unconsciously avoiding attachment to the children in my life. as much as i love them, seeing them grow is becoming painful.
…..
i didn’t foresee that as i grow in years my bravery factor will dwindle. as i very much loathe to admit it, welcoming the future as a single frightens me now. i used to be soooo confident that i can make it on my own, with myself as the sole ally. thankfully my conceited self is still very much intact. haha, i know that this is merely temporary and that my little brain will help me figure out things, with partner or not, I WILL BE FINE [GOD willing].
…..
not knowing the status of my application to my mission is very stressful. well, i like it when the ball is in my court as i know the control is within me. i can choose to do things however way i want them done. but then again, you can’t have everything, right? best recourse for now is learn from your friend vet, patience is a virtue.
…..
i hate one certain stimulus right now. primarily because i see it every day. without my consent, i can see the littlest change in the stimulus. i don’t want to notice the little changes, however, my little brain homes in exactly at the direction of the stimulus. grrrr……. well, it’s not exactly the change in the stimulus that’s making me see red. it’s the interpretation i attach to the observed change. let’s just say i’ve an overactive imagination. when i see one thing, my imagination just goes into overdrive. well, i’m not called the lady of assumption for nothing..