Archive for May, 2007

23
May

unfocused

By decrechoice 2 Comments
Categories: dailysnippet

may 23, 2007

something’s totally off with me today. jeez, i’m losing concentration. there’s something i’m looking for, yet couldn’t quite point my finger to what it is specifically. i just know that it’s keeping me from doing the very thing that’s providing food on my table. my usual suspect is the need to blabber with one person in particular. don’t ask me why of all people it has to be this person. i’m practically afraid to bump into the person as i can’t read what’s in the person’s eyes. so i myself don’t know. it’s probably the reason why i’m also itching to talk to the person. the greater part of me wants to talk to the person badly regardless of the consequences or embarrassment it’ll bring to my person. you see, i’ve this penchant for knowing everything and with the way things are going with me - i don’t have a darn clue as to what’s going on. it frustrates me big time not to have answers to questions running in my mind. the logical part of me, the lesser part yet the one with a more forceful voice and which i’ve more leanings to, argues against talking to the person. reason 1 because i really don’t have nothing significant to say except pass on my confusion to the unfortunate soul. reason 2 because it’s something that i don’t do on a regular basis. heck, it’s something that i have never done at all and there’s no sound reason why i should change my ways just for this instance. reason 3 because then i would give myself away that i’m a loose screw. i’ve no problem with admitting to being crazy to high school him [even without his permission now, jen, and a few other significant people because they're my friends. haha, friends are those unfortunate souls who willingly/unwillingly become one's sounding board. those who accept all your crap regardless and hits you big time if you try to screw up your life. reason 4 because apart from my pretending intelligence i value respect so much that me indulging this need is probably the one that will make me lose the person's respect in me [not that i know if the person respects me, it's just me - the lady of assumptionista talking.]

incidentally, line shared linkin’s new album with me. minutes to midnight and their second track: given up
somehow speaks to me. it somehow sums up and represents whatever it is that…[words escape me]… funny, it’s so not linkin to have expletives in their lyrics. hmmm… something to think about: change.

Given Up

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape

I’m my own worst enemy

[chorus]
I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused but Im scared
I’m not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I’m my own worst enemy

[chorus]
I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]

[bridge]
Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fucking misery
[end bridge]

[chorus]
I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all the way
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong
With me
[end chorus]

15
May

expending energy

By decrechoice 3 Comments
Categories: thought release

i did something stupid last night. i listened to a friend tell me that it’s okay to not keep my promise. i don’t know what changed my mind when i resolutely told her that i hold my promises dearly. you see, i made a promise to high school him to not ever bother him again. i consider him a real good friend that for some unfathomable reason i usually end up choosing him as the victim of my crazy messages <a.k.a. frustrated moments> whenever i’m overwhelmed over something. so against my better judgment i sent him this weirdo note:

"helu.helu. can i take back what i said about not ever bothering you again? wala lang, i’m at it again, this compulsion to expend some energy and let a soul know about it. i know you don’t deserve my samok.samok nor do you need to listen to my crap. it’s just so comforting to hit on these keys and have you know my craziness, hehe. at least if i send this to someone who’s known my being a nutcase, then i don’t have to explain. actually crossing my fingers."

then i got this reply:

"hus dis?"

waaahhhhhhhhh….. so much for the dude who sent this:

vet! next tym yaw na paglikay..hehe..btaw seriously..ayos ra i admire u telling me how u feel..everything..and im not d type na imo kauwawan after everything uve told me.. stl d same —– here..

the last part was the culprit of all this — by the same i took it to mean, he’s not changed and that he’s still a friend to me…

but nothing’s changed, huh? apparently, the dude erased my number from his phonebook. haha, first reaction was that of hilarity — hehehe.. jeez, how many crazy friends does he have? so he’s actually a magnet of friends who send crazy sms? how many friends does he have with my kind of language and my label of craziness????

when the hilarity wore off, the gnawing feeling of sadness, emptiness, rejection, embarrassment all rolled into one crept in.

lacrimal glands went into overdrive.

sent sms to j, j, j, and j just to shake off the feeling [incidentally, they're all different individuals].

out came pen and paper. my refuge.

i don’t have a concrete reason to feel hurt, but that’s what i’m feeling as i scribble these words as fast as i could.

think IT Park and in the middle of the vast field sat a hurt big girl feeling the wind and the uncontrollable tears on her face.

nothing could be more sadder and sorrier.

in my very limited worldview, the greatest cause of pain is for another person to deny your existence. it’s painful for a person you’ve considered your friend all those years forsake you. it must be how jesus felt when peter or whoever that disciple was denied ever knowing him.

"hus dis?"

i am aware that my reaction to the reply was a pretty extreme one, bordering on the insanity. yet, those two words, not even correctly spelled, caused such tremendous pain. it’s not so much the two words that caused me to feel the pain. it’s what those two word imply coupled with my overactive imagination.

wow! the person erased your number from his contacts list! it only means, he doesn’t want any part of you. not even as a friend. he chose to forget that you ever exist.

jeez, why was it so difficult for him to tell me up front that he’s not comfortable with my truths! why’d he resort to telling me that he remains unchanged despite all that i’ve said? why sever the ties by cutting me off? what i just couldn’t reconcile is the fact that i’ve given him every opportunity to tell me that should he have enough of my crap, all he had to do is to tell me to stop. or tell me that he no longer wants to be friends with me. i’d be fine with it, hurt - yes, but fine.

but NO, he had to say: nothing’s changed as he’s still the same — i know.

like i said i know my reaction is real extreme but how hard is it to say "stop na vet!" i don’t even need a 100-page explanation.

it would have been enough for me. i’d accept it without question. but no, the subtle way of doing it is to just erase my number praying that the crazy vet would make good of her promise not to bother him again.

well, i wouldn’t have this reaction had i been treated like an adult and was told the truth. it pains me to think that i treated the person with utmost respect by swallowing my pride and telling him my truths despite the embarrassment it’ll bring to my person. i thought he deserves to know my truth because he’s one great individual for putting up with all my crap all these years. yet, the best the person could do in return for my honesty is deny my existence.

it’s sad. but i still wish him nothing but happiness.

15
May

out of the ordinary

By decrechoice 0 Comments
Categories: thought release

vet and spontainety are never synonymous. yet, when vet met up with college friend ms. c after work the long weekend became a big break to her otherwise mundane existence. while vet was having a very late lunch, came ms. c with the intention of dragging vet to a night of drunken session. talk… talk … talk…

ms. c blurted out: "adto ta bohol na?"

vet: tara….. sige go… btaw, serious?? as in now? what are we going to do there?

ms. c: i don’t know. i just want to relax and forget about things… i’ve been to bohol several times, but always on a business trip, never for pleasure.

vet: tana.. but wait, do you know the boat schedule going there? plus, we’ve to travel there on a budget… you know me, i’m forever on a budget because of my self-imposed mission… also, we’ve to get back to cebu by monday so i can vote. are we sure about this?

ms. c: let’s buy a newspaper and check out the shipping guide. don’t worry about monday. we’ll be back by then. i have work in the afternoon so i really have to be back here by then too..

vet: all right, so let’s hit home and pack a few things.

ms. c: tana…let’s hurry para kaabot ta sa last trip sa ocean jet. it won’t take me long to pack my things plus mag.taxi ra ko so we can get to the pier on time.

vet: haha, mag.jeep ra ko… so lakaw na ta.. where are we meeting?

ms. c: i’ll just text you. see you in a while. don’t change your mind.

=====
voices: haha, serious ka vet? did you know what you just did? you’ve plotted your budget and a sudden trip to bohol was not in your list. punish, it’s going to put a dent on your budget for this month…perhaps, but i can still tweak my budget, it’s only been two days since pay day, so i can still adjust it.. money is nothing compared to spending time with a friend. building relationships, remember? it’s more important than mere figures on an excel file. besides, you’ve always wanted to do something that’s unplanned. hala na, carry ra lagi ni nimo… what’s the worse that could happen? <heart thumping>… Vetclai

note to self: do it often. the experience and the company are priceless!!! [more pix as soon as i get my copy] [may 14-15, bohol divers resort, panglao]

10
May

funny incident

By decrechoice 0 Comments
Categories: dailysnippet

at least i didn’t panic this time. but it doesn’t mean that the butterflies in my stomach didn’t flutter. boy, had stimulus him heard the rapid beats of the organ in my chest, he would have known something’s up with me. good thing he didn’t. if he did, good thing he pretended that he didn’t notice.

it was the most awkward situation to be in. for someone who blabbers a lot, i was robbed of speech. i don’t know if it was just me or he too noticed the awkwardness of the situation that he opted to talk to the driver of the car. it was funny… then silence…. long silence…. threw a question… a liner answer…. silence…. silence…. mentions something…. me blabbers… hilarious!!! me cracking up in silence!!! … haha, i know it’s all in my mind because nothing extraordinary really happened. it’s always is like this when i’m around the person. i don’t talk and he does the same. perhaps sometimes there’s an exchange of a line or two, then we part. ignore each other.

situation such as what happened is the very reason i keep my courage at bay. i know i can summon it anytime i want it. it’d be hard, sure… but i think i can call on it when the need arises. but there’s just NO reason why i should.

but then again, there’s really nothing to this except the meanings i attached to my perceptions. there lies the problem.

somehow, there should be a way to put a stop to this. all i want is to be comfortable around the person. i don’t want anything more because i know i cannot give more myself. i just want to treat the person the way i treat others. i want me talking normally, the way i corner people eating lunch alone for unwarranted interviews.

08
May

an invite

By decrechoice 1 Comment
Categories: letters

there’s one thing i’ve been meaning to ask the person i used to write my unsent letters to. yet, my courage usually escapes me. i couldn’t muster enough guts to ask the person about borrowing one day of his life. haha, it’s only now that i’m punching on the keys because i somehow feel that i’ve had enough of keeping things to myself… hmmm, my current motto at the moment is to heck with the world, they wouldn’t be the one to end up with regrets.. the reason for all these honest-to-goodness truths… this is a work in progress though as courage i learned is a bit elusive and asks for a valuable price in return, things such as your pride, self-worth…..

now,  if the intended recipient is unable to learn or hear of this <well, good> bitaw, then my consolation is i’ve let the universe know. acknowledging things without shame is enough. [i'm positive that this is a very safe venue to express my thoughts because although he's in my list, i know, he doesn't read the crap i throw in my blogs. my only basis is i haven't received any comment here or through pm, so very liberating to write stuff without his knowledge, haha... but if he does, well,... crap, ngano basa man ka ani? i've plenty of books you can borrow... now, move along...geez, didn't expect you visiting here --- if this doesn't convince you that i'm a nuthead, then i don't know what will... hehe, time to tell me to stop... i'll be fine if you do...]

weird strange me wants him to know of this, but at the same time wants him to not know at all. now tell me, if that ain’t a sign of a loose screw, hehe]

funny, i told him a couple times in the past that that’s one of my tendency. if i’ve something in my mind i often have the unstoppable urge to let at least one person in the universe to know of my intense feeling at the moment <extreme anger or pure bliss> haha, the poor person often ends up my victim and gets the brunt of these usually way past midnight. [well, i'm merely trying to expend energy then, how was i to know that the dude is still alive at the dead of the night???? in any case as of a month ago: this has stopped as i promised myself i would, boy did i regret telling him that...]

it’s crazy, i know. yet, always i somehow feel that i have to expend the energy else i explode. and among my friends, he’s the unfortunate one. very unfortunate. primarily because it’s stuck in my head that however nuts i act, he will always have enough compartment in his system to give me some understanding. he’s got the most openest [read: grammar error] mind i know, unless he’s changed over the years and i didn’t notice that… in my mind he’s too much of a gentleman to tell me to stop bothering him. yeah, in my defense i also told him that should he have enough of my crap, all he needed to do is to send me a simple note: stop na vet. but like i said, he’s too much of a friend that he lets me get away with it. in my mind, i think he’s already irritated but i think he’s just being tolerant of me and i attribute it to the great respect i assume he had [hopefully, has] of me.

saag..saag…

back to that one day.

puhlez, i’m not thinking of anything magical or romantic. as in there’s no space for that in both our schemes of life. the dude has a girlfriend and they look good and happy together. and even if doesn’t have one - i see a different him. me is not part of that picture. perhaps i once thought that in junior year, but even then i knew i’d ruin his life by being part of it — the very reason i learned the avoidance dance… i want him happy not destroyed.

basta, all i know is after i wrote that long letter - i’m both scared and looking forward to seeing him primarily just to talk. i don’t even mean discuss the contents of what i wrote, just talk…perhaps seeing him actually laugh at the contents of what i wrote then and even here would be a welcome break. yeah, i think i’d like that. in any case, i just like the chance to have a sit down and just talk until our eyes fall out of the socket. like on the few occassions we bumped into each other on the streets. prolong those conversations and that’s it. that’s what i crave: the talk…then i can finally scratch it off my to do list.

seriously, he’s a one friend i’d like to keep in my lifetime for the reason that i know he’s a good person. he also has a good mind. i regretted the fact that i intentionally avoided knowing much about him because i got scared. this isn’t a marriage proposal or anything grander. i just realized that i was a fool to let a great friendship slip by. it’s not often that you’ll meet true friends in your lifetime, yet i had this one friend slip. talking to this person somehow gives me perspective in a lot of things. this is something i observed several years ago. ironically, the same reason that frightened me and the reason why i avoided him all those years [of course, he didn't know that i was avoiding him] [i almost miss this: premise here is me wanting his friendship so let me add, had i got the courage back then and he wants none of my kind of friendship... then, i've no problems of keeping out --heck, i did that even].

why now? am i not being scared of being labeled pathetic?

curiously, i don’t care if people call me that. last i’ve heard, i’ve been called much worse and i don’t give a damn anymore. nor do i intend to waste my time on those who resort to namecalling. i just realized that the world will move on regardless of my mood or other people’s pain. the world will not stop because of me or them. i’m just one speck in this multitude of many. i’m not embarrassed expressing all these because i know my truths. feelings are not of our own choosing. our choice is on how we go about handling our feelings. now, this is the way i’m handling it. i’m not scared at what people will think of me because there’s nothing to be embarrassed or scared about things you own up to.

plus, all i have is this sense of comradeship… he knows one of the reasons why i found courage this time. right now, only him deserves that truth.

01
May

just have to punch some keys

By decrechoice 0 Comments
Categories: thought release

i need help.

i need to shout. i have to scream.

i don’t know why this is happening.

all i know is i’m upset over something.

yet, i don’t know why i’m having this extreme reaction.

extreme anger is never my style.

yet, i’m angry. furious.

i feel like vomiting just to let the energy out. yet, i can’t throw up either. i refuse to throw up.

if only this quick breaths will normalize to a steady beat and i’ll be fine.

geez, what’s happening?

i have no time for this. i still have belarus to think about.

01
May

wacko statements

By decrechoice 0 Comments
Categories: singleshespeaks

something’s going on that i’m not liking one bit. yet at the same time cannot seem to stop babbling about. jen’s seen what i’m talking about. looking at her face, i can’t help but read: crazy and hilarious. both words printed in bold block letters.

those two words + weird, generally completes the description of the kind of behavior i’ve been exhibiting every time the two of us meet either for lunch or dinner. sometimes i pity her for enjuring my outbursts on the state of my hypothalamus. [that part of the brain responsible for the 4 fs in life ...feeling...feeding...fleeing... f***ing...] i’m all erratic and more. one moment i’m talking about high school him. the next i’m trying to figure out why i can’t help stop myself from repeating the same things i’ve done to high school him. i’m blabbering as to why i so don’t like my current thought processess. i so don’t like that it’s focus on stimulus him. i’m angry at myself for this lost of self-control. i’m angry that my action towards current stimulus reminds me so much of all the stupid things i’ve done or more like the things i didn’t do back then. yet at the same time so happy that i can talk about high school him without any guilt feelings, just pure fondness as i’m confident that no matter how crazy i act, high school him will always be my friend [with his permission or not]. the kind that you don’t see nor talk on a daily basis, yet you know will understand what you are.

haha.. i find my current state of mind funny. it’s funny because my mind hasn’t reach any conclusion as to what it really wants to do. it’s funny because my mind usually has a decision about things. it usually tells vet the courses of action that it thinks is best for her. it’s funny because it’s all confused. at one end of the spectrum it wants to shout:
"you know what? i’ve a problem with you. every time i see you, my mind is always torn between wanting to stay and trying to bolt out. the latter often wins. as i mentioned before i’ve mastered the avoidance walk with high school him that it’s so ingrained in my system that it comes naturally now. geez, i so don’t like what’s happening because i know there’s nothing to this but me acting more pathetic than ever. worse even. my problem is i’m not very good at handling stormy emotions. my instinct eggs me to say all these before IT wears off. however, my logical mind screams against my doing it. primarily because the only thing i’ll get out of it is just unloading of highly-charged energy within me and a lot more to lose: respect — yours to me." at the other end, it simply wants her simple thought processes back. the one that solely focuses on which travel destination to hit next chance she gets.

ey, i skipped all these irrational thoughts in my pre-/adolescent years. i sure don’t want them now. i’m almost 28 for crying out loud! spare me…