i need help.
i need to shout. i have to scream.
i don’t know why this is happening.
all i know is i’m upset over something.
yet, i don’t know why i’m having this extreme reaction.
extreme anger is never my style.
yet, i’m angry. furious.
i feel like vomiting just to let the energy out. yet, i can’t throw up either. i refuse to throw up.
if only this quick breaths will normalize to a steady beat and i’ll be fine.
geez, what’s happening?
i have no time for this. i still have belarus to think about.
something’s going on that i’m not liking one bit. yet at the same time cannot seem to stop babbling about. jen’s seen what i’m talking about. looking at her face, i can’t help but read: crazy and hilarious. both words printed in bold block letters.
those two words + weird, generally completes the description of the kind of behavior i’ve been exhibiting every time the two of us meet either for lunch or dinner. sometimes i pity her for enjuring my outbursts on the state of my hypothalamus. [that part of the brain responsible for the 4 fs in life ...feeling...feeding...fleeing... f***ing...] i’m all erratic and more. one moment i’m talking about high school him. the next i’m trying to figure out why i can’t help stop myself from repeating the same things i’ve done to high school him. i’m blabbering as to why i so don’t like my current thought processess. i so don’t like that it’s focus on stimulus him. i’m angry at myself for this lost of self-control. i’m angry that my action towards current stimulus reminds me so much of all the stupid things i’ve done or more like the things i didn’t do back then. yet at the same time so happy that i can talk about high school him without any guilt feelings, just pure fondness as i’m confident that no matter how crazy i act, high school him will always be my friend [with his permission or not]. the kind that you don’t see nor talk on a daily basis, yet you know will understand what you are.
haha.. i find my current state of mind funny. it’s funny because my mind hasn’t reach any conclusion as to what it really wants to do. it’s funny because my mind usually has a decision about things. it usually tells vet the courses of action that it thinks is best for her. it’s funny because it’s all confused. at one end of the spectrum it wants to shout:
"you know what? i’ve a problem with you. every time i see you, my mind is always torn between wanting to stay and trying to bolt out. the latter often wins. as i mentioned before i’ve mastered the avoidance walk with high school him that it’s so ingrained in my system that it comes naturally now. geez, i so don’t like what’s happening because i know there’s nothing to this but me acting more pathetic than ever. worse even. my problem is i’m not very good at handling stormy emotions. my instinct eggs me to say all these before IT wears off. however, my logical mind screams against my doing it. primarily because the only thing i’ll get out of it is just unloading of highly-charged energy within me and a lot more to lose: respect — yours to me." at the other end, it simply wants her simple thought processes back. the one that solely focuses on which travel destination to hit next chance she gets.
ey, i skipped all these irrational thoughts in my pre-/adolescent years. i sure don’t want them now. i’m almost 28 for crying out loud! spare me…
