there’s one thing i’ve been meaning to ask the person i used to write my unsent letters to. yet, my courage usually escapes me. i couldn’t muster enough guts to ask the person about borrowing one day of his life. haha, it’s only now that i’m punching on the keys because i somehow feel that i’ve had enough of keeping things to myself… hmmm, my current motto at the moment is to heck with the world, they wouldn’t be the one to end up with regrets.. the reason for all these honest-to-goodness truths… this is a work in progress though as courage i learned is a bit elusive and asks for a valuable price in return, things such as your pride, self-worth…..
now, if the intended recipient is unable to learn or hear of this <well, good> bitaw, then my consolation is i’ve let the universe know. acknowledging things without shame is enough. [i'm positive that this is a very safe venue to express my thoughts because although he's in my list, i know, he doesn't read the crap i throw in my blogs. my only basis is i haven't received any comment here or through pm, so very liberating to write stuff without his knowledge, haha... but if he does, well,... crap, ngano basa man ka ani? i've plenty of books you can borrow... now, move along...geez, didn't expect you visiting here --- if this doesn't convince you that i'm a nuthead, then i don't know what will... hehe, time to tell me to stop... i'll be fine if you do...]
weird strange me wants him to know of this, but at the same time wants him to not know at all. now tell me, if that ain’t a sign of a loose screw, hehe]
funny, i told him a couple times in the past that that’s one of my tendency. if i’ve something in my mind i often have the unstoppable urge to let at least one person in the universe to know of my intense feeling at the moment <extreme anger or pure bliss> haha, the poor person often ends up my victim and gets the brunt of these usually way past midnight. [well, i'm merely trying to expend energy then, how was i to know that the dude is still alive at the dead of the night???? in any case as of a month ago: this has stopped as i promised myself i would, boy did i regret telling him that...]
it’s crazy, i know. yet, always i somehow feel that i have to expend the energy else i explode. and among my friends, he’s the unfortunate one. very unfortunate. primarily because it’s stuck in my head that however nuts i act, he will always have enough compartment in his system to give me some understanding. he’s got the most openest [read: grammar error] mind i know, unless he’s changed over the years and i didn’t notice that… in my mind he’s too much of a gentleman to tell me to stop bothering him. yeah, in my defense i also told him that should he have enough of my crap, all he needed to do is to send me a simple note: stop na vet. but like i said, he’s too much of a friend that he lets me get away with it. in my mind, i think he’s already irritated but i think he’s just being tolerant of me and i attribute it to the great respect i assume he had [hopefully, has] of me.
saag..saag…
back to that one day.
puhlez, i’m not thinking of anything magical or romantic. as in there’s no space for that in both our schemes of life. the dude has a girlfriend and they look good and happy together. and even if doesn’t have one - i see a different him. me is not part of that picture. perhaps i once thought that in junior year, but even then i knew i’d ruin his life by being part of it — the very reason i learned the avoidance dance… i want him happy not destroyed.
basta, all i know is after i wrote that long letter - i’m both scared and looking forward to seeing him primarily just to talk. i don’t even mean discuss the contents of what i wrote, just talk…perhaps seeing him actually laugh at the contents of what i wrote then and even here would be a welcome break. yeah, i think i’d like that. in any case, i just like the chance to have a sit down and just talk until our eyes fall out of the socket. like on the few occassions we bumped into each other on the streets. prolong those conversations and that’s it. that’s what i crave: the talk…then i can finally scratch it off my to do list.
seriously, he’s a one friend i’d like to keep in my lifetime for the reason that i know he’s a good person. he also has a good mind. i regretted the fact that i intentionally avoided knowing much about him because i got scared. this isn’t a marriage proposal or anything grander. i just realized that i was a fool to let a great friendship slip by. it’s not often that you’ll meet true friends in your lifetime, yet i had this one friend slip. talking to this person somehow gives me perspective in a lot of things. this is something i observed several years ago. ironically, the same reason that frightened me and the reason why i avoided him all those years [of course, he didn't know that i was avoiding him] [i almost miss this: premise here is me wanting his friendship so let me add, had i got the courage back then and he wants none of my kind of friendship... then, i've no problems of keeping out --heck, i did that even].
why now? am i not being scared of being labeled pathetic?
curiously, i don’t care if people call me that. last i’ve heard, i’ve been called much worse and i don’t give a damn anymore. nor do i intend to waste my time on those who resort to namecalling. i just realized that the world will move on regardless of my mood or other people’s pain. the world will not stop because of me or them. i’m just one speck in this multitude of many. i’m not embarrassed expressing all these because i know my truths. feelings are not of our own choosing. our choice is on how we go about handling our feelings. now, this is the way i’m handling it. i’m not scared at what people will think of me because there’s nothing to be embarrassed or scared about things you own up to.
plus, all i have is this sense of comradeship… he knows one of the reasons why i found courage this time. right now, only him deserves that truth.
