infinitepossibilities

i did something stupid last night. i listened to a friend tell me that it’s okay to not keep my promise. i don’t know what changed my mind when i resolutely told her that i hold my promises dearly. you see, i made a promise to high school him to not ever bother him again. i consider him a real good friend that for some unfathomable reason i usually end up choosing him as the victim of my crazy messages <a.k.a. frustrated moments> whenever i’m overwhelmed over something. so against my better judgment i sent him this weirdo note:

"helu.helu. can i take back what i said about not ever bothering you again? wala lang, i’m at it again, this compulsion to expend some energy and let a soul know about it. i know you don’t deserve my samok.samok nor do you need to listen to my crap. it’s just so comforting to hit on these keys and have you know my craziness, hehe. at least if i send this to someone who’s known my being a nutcase, then i don’t have to explain. actually crossing my fingers."

then i got this reply:

"hus dis?"

waaahhhhhhhhh….. so much for the dude who sent this:

vet! next tym yaw na paglikay..hehe..btaw seriously..ayos ra i admire u telling me how u feel..everything..and im not d type na imo kauwawan after everything uve told me.. stl d same —– here..

the last part was the culprit of all this — by the same i took it to mean, he’s not changed and that he’s still a friend to me…

but nothing’s changed, huh? apparently, the dude erased my number from his phonebook. haha, first reaction was that of hilarity — hehehe.. jeez, how many crazy friends does he have? so he’s actually a magnet of friends who send crazy sms? how many friends does he have with my kind of language and my label of craziness????

when the hilarity wore off, the gnawing feeling of sadness, emptiness, rejection, embarrassment all rolled into one crept in.

lacrimal glands went into overdrive.

sent sms to j, j, j, and j just to shake off the feeling [incidentally, they're all different individuals].

out came pen and paper. my refuge.

i don’t have a concrete reason to feel hurt, but that’s what i’m feeling as i scribble these words as fast as i could.

think IT Park and in the middle of the vast field sat a hurt big girl feeling the wind and the uncontrollable tears on her face.

nothing could be more sadder and sorrier.

in my very limited worldview, the greatest cause of pain is for another person to deny your existence. it’s painful for a person you’ve considered your friend all those years forsake you. it must be how jesus felt when peter or whoever that disciple was denied ever knowing him.

"hus dis?"

i am aware that my reaction to the reply was a pretty extreme one, bordering on the insanity. yet, those two words, not even correctly spelled, caused such tremendous pain. it’s not so much the two words that caused me to feel the pain. it’s what those two word imply coupled with my overactive imagination.

wow! the person erased your number from his contacts list! it only means, he doesn’t want any part of you. not even as a friend. he chose to forget that you ever exist.

jeez, why was it so difficult for him to tell me up front that he’s not comfortable with my truths! why’d he resort to telling me that he remains unchanged despite all that i’ve said? why sever the ties by cutting me off? what i just couldn’t reconcile is the fact that i’ve given him every opportunity to tell me that should he have enough of my crap, all he had to do is to tell me to stop. or tell me that he no longer wants to be friends with me. i’d be fine with it, hurt - yes, but fine.

but NO, he had to say: nothing’s changed as he’s still the same — i know.

like i said i know my reaction is real extreme but how hard is it to say "stop na vet!" i don’t even need a 100-page explanation.

it would have been enough for me. i’d accept it without question. but no, the subtle way of doing it is to just erase my number praying that the crazy vet would make good of her promise not to bother him again.

well, i wouldn’t have this reaction had i been treated like an adult and was told the truth. it pains me to think that i treated the person with utmost respect by swallowing my pride and telling him my truths despite the embarrassment it’ll bring to my person. i thought he deserves to know my truth because he’s one great individual for putting up with all my crap all these years. yet, the best the person could do in return for my honesty is deny my existence.

it’s sad. but i still wish him nothing but happiness.