hello e.o.!
it’s been a while since i tapped these keys and address my aimless thoughts to you. up until now the reasons you linger in my mind elude me. it’s curious how i could still remember the first time i saw you. i could still remember the shirt you wore then. i could still remember the first few words that the voice in my head shouted when you were introduced to me. i could still remember the very few and i mean very minimal words that we’ve exchanged on that very first day. i could still remember the instance when so many words came out of your mouth. it’s then that i knew you could talk. i mean capable of the talk i want/crave. it’s then that i knew that there’s some substance in your person than what many perceived you to be. looking back, i couldn’t help but laugh at myself. the only conversation where so many words came out of your mouth was when i couldn’t look you in the eye. not that i was guilty of having feelings for you, but because i truly had an eye affliction at that time and opening my eyes to see the light or your face - really hurt. at the back of my mind, i thought that you would find me odd as i had my head bowed while you continued to talk. hey, you continued to talk and didn’t mind my odd behavior.
most of the time, i wish i could have that encounter again. i wish to have that long conversation again. i wish i could look you in the eye now and tell you the things that run in my mind. i know where i stand in the scheme of things. i don’t have the stimulus value. i should be embarrassed by saying this, but curiously i’m not. i guess what i want truly is to have that opportunity to talk. perhaps, talking to you would dilute the curiosity in my blood and finally get you out of my system.
sometimes i wonder if you’ve ever visited this particular little place on the web of mine. i wonder if you’ve ever read the many entries where you were alluded to. i know you’ve visited perhaps only once or twice, but that doesn’t stop me from ever wondering that perhaps you already know. in the off chance that you know, i’m both grateful and annoyed. grateful because you’ve never once approached me to talk about it. it means you have so much respect for me that you spare me from embarrassment. at the same time i’m curiously annoyed because you’re depriving me of that chance to talk. although it’s a good thing that you didn’t because then you’d be IN for so many brutal truths that you’d regret why you ever brought up the topic to me.
the last part, however, is more a pigment of my imagination. i’m simply a coward. i do the talk without doing the walk. there were many instances that you initiated harmless conversation, but the deeply-ingrained habit of mine, which is to bolt whenever you’re around - as was the case of high school him, always kicks in. and in the instances where i would have the nerve to talk, you are just miles away concentrated in your own thing.
perhaps the one thing that’s stopping me from getting you in one corner to talk is the fear that you would misinterpret everything. i don’t deny ever having feelings for you. however, that doesn’t mean i spend every minute of my life hatching a plan to get you to talk. it’s only around this time of the day that you would often pop in my head. it’s this time that the craving for good conversation with an xy is at its intense level.
