Archive for February, 2009

26
Feb

after ordeal gratitude

By decrechoice 3 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

the general feeling is one of lethargy. the lack of

energy is draining the sap out of me. i’m very much

aware that i won’t die of my condition. i’m very much

aware that there are people who are much sicker

than me. as my friend pointed out, in this relative

world, i should take comfort in the fact that there are

others who are in much deep shit than i am [hehe, i

could not remember the words verbatim - but that

was the gist of it]. well, i recognize the truth in her

words, but sometimes exhaustion just kicks in.

currently, i have a mind that is very much willing to

fight and emerge victorious, yet my body is

screaming for everything to just stop - the

headaches, the intermittent pain - the blood flow. it’s

weird why i’m feeling them now when i’ve no reason

to. i’m already into my 7th day of withdrawal

bleeding, and from 12 soaked pads a day, i’ve

reduced to just 5. i also stop popping painkillers 

today to test if i can go through the motions of my

everyday life without depending on them. so far, i’m

not feeling any pain in my pelvic area, just the nasty

headache. everything is looking good, yet i can’t

successfully convince myself that i’m hundred

percent fine. i blame it on my pale lips. haha, i’ve

bitten them several times today but it only works for

a few minutes and them lips are back to being pale.

i guess, i should avoid mirrors today and cross my

fingers that nobody would comment about them

being pale…hehe, people - i have to shed off my

very thick uterine lining - every inch of those lining,

thus - the too much blood discharge and yeah, the

pale lips…

anyway, pale lips aside - i wish to thank all the

friends i bothered the past few days. believe me

guys, your indulging my “thinking aloud” messages

helped me get through my pain. achinette kong, i’m

thankful that i finally listened to you to go see your

doctor. she was truly a great help as she’s the first

doctor i’ve had in years whom i can call or text when

my symptoms are at its worst. thanks also to the one

who causes pain and pleasure for talking nonsense

to me and for introducing jamal malik. hehe, it sure

was a great distraction and a tremendous help. let

me apologize also for doing the wrong thing one

night. i just didn’t know better.

10
Feb

damnation

By decrechoice 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
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i’m in pain.

and damn it to hell and back, those mefenamic acid tablets are not working their magic.
perhaps my tolerance for pain has lessened to some degree since the pain i’m feeling makes
me wanna cry and bang doors, walls, and tables.

a few weeks back, i decided to take some hormones to curb my continuous bleeding. two
weeks of continuous heavy bleeding, with only three to four days of reprieve from menstrual
flow in a given month put a toll on my body. i started feeling dizzy and suffer from intermittent headaches. because of these, i had some blood work done. just a cbc actually.
went to a doc and he said that had i not maintained iron, my blood something would have been
very, very low..so yeah, i’m back to being anemic. since i’ve been having headaches i decided to try out again some hormone tablets. after taking 3 to 4 of those hormone tablets, my bleeding stop. not a spot and it was like heaven…imagine not having to wear any sanitary pad after … well, i can’t even remember the last time i went out without one. my beautiful u’s condition makes it imperative that i wear one every freakin’ day. so it was
truly a liberating experience.

well, that only lasted for 11 days. that’s because i was only supposed to take the tablets for 10 days and nothing more. had my last one last saturday. according to the medical leaflet of the hormone i took, i could expect withdrawal bleeding two to three days after my
last pill. true enough, the flow was back last monday. it’s more of a “spotting” than a flow really. but it’s weird because even though there was only trickles of blood, i could feel dysmenorrhea-like symptoms. tuesday came and the flow has normalized [everybody's normal - not my normal]. i felt some pain, but it’s tolerable. if this was the withdrawal symptom that the leaflet said, then, it’d be a swell. i could handle it without any trouble. i’ve had worst. believe me! but like one officemate said, “wag magsalita ng patapos!”

my bleeding is in full force today. my complicated feminine system is back in full gear discharging blood, mass of blood. plus, it’s given me a bonus. a freakin’ hell-cursing dysmenorrhea. i’ve never had this kind of pain since probably  five years ago. though i’ve had the forever bleeding problem, there was no pain at all. i can manage that.. well, sometimes… but today.. to complete the package of heavy bleeding and dysmenorrhea is such
an intense punishment. nobody deserves to be feeling the way i’m feeling today. i wont even wish it for my worst enemy. nobody should be feeling this pain. i know there may be a lot of
people out there who are in more pain than i am today, but truly… the pain is just intolerable. i’ve cried bucketful of tears in front of our guard, to our secretaries in the office. it’s shameful to be losing this much control. but if there’s something i can do about it — i would have done it… i’m tapping these keys in the middle of work, not because i’m being irresponsible at my job. i’m tapping these keys hoping that the pain will go away, and i can stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks and make a fool out of myself. i hate this lost of control. i hate that my pain tolerance has lessened. i hate that i’m in pain in the first place…

i just wish all these will all soon be over… gone… i wish doctors could find cure to adenomyosis. i wish there aren’t too many women suffering from this hideous condition. i wish i can handle this better than i’m handling it now. i wish everything will be well. soon. i wish the o.b. whom i’ll see later today will have something new to tell me. i wish she’ll not suggest that i have the hysterectomy done. currently, hysterectomy is the best recourse for people with my condition. i don’t want to lose my uterus yet. i’m a person struggling with faith and for me to agree to have the operation is me signifying that i truly don’t have faith with the jokester above. i still want to believe in miracles. i still want to believe that HE can do something for me. i want to believe. i want to hold on to that. it’s probably crazy that i hold on to the idea that a higher being could provide me answers or miracles. but what alternative do i have?

05
Feb

untitled

By decrechoice 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

feb. 4, 2009

i spent a few minutes of my time in the office’s cave earlier today. whenever i have a lot of my mind that’s related to work, i often seek refuge in the cave. well, the two beings there often give me perspective. though i don’t talk to them about the exact nature of my work problems, i, most of the time, will hear and catch something from what they say that gives me back my bearing.

i’ve a problem with my beautiful uterus. i’m single. may not have a child because of the former. without my planning it, i come to consider the members of my team my kids. i’m only about a year to seven years their senior, however, i can’t seem to help but feel responsible for them. it’s true that i am generally an absentee guardian to them, as i don’t have a lot of personal moments with them, but i can’t help feel a deep loss each time i receive that single white piece of paper or when i’ve to decide to move them to another team to better their career [hopefully, that’s the result of the move. i guess, i’ve to give myself a little credit, at pulling off a positive vibe during THE TALK, when deep inside i want to keep them forever.

forever is sure at the forefront of my mind, but i know without doubt that i can’t clip my kid’s wings. if it’s time for them to go, i’ve to let them go. it hurts and it deeply saddens me, but i also recognize that it’s their decision, their choice to go and i’ve to respect and honor that. my only wish that their leaving will take them to much better places.