hopefully, the jokester will hear of your complaint and act on it… SOON!!

MEMORANDUM

To: Mother Nature

CC: God (The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit), Allah, Buddha, Shiva, Oprah Winfrey

Date: 11.21.08

Re: Optional Menstruation
_____________________________________________________________

As a female who is opting not to have children through vaginal birth or caesarian section, I would like to formally lodge a complaint against the presence of my menstrual cycle. It is a frivolous and needless monthly exercise and I urge you to reconsider its inclusion in my anatomy. Oh, and PMS too as it’s not doing me any favors either.

Now I do think that under the right circumstances, menses is a noble process in that it paves the way for babies to reside in the uterus. However, I do not believe it should be a “factory-installed” feature.

Consider this: If I were buying a stove, I can opt not to purchase a model with the self-cleaning mechanism. If the likes of Best Buy can offer me freedom of choice, certainly you can too, Mother Nature.

As it stands, your current policy makes the assumption that all women want to reproduce. Now, I don’t mean to lecture you, Mother Nature, but you know what happens when you assume, don’t you? In this particular case, it creates a legion of cramped, bloated and irritable (childless) females hell-bent on making you pay for their misery, in addition to the whole making asses out of you and me business.

While males historically have been responsible for destroying some of your more well-received handiwork, i.e. the fouling of pristine Alaskan coastline in the Exxon-Valdez oil spill. That’s just conjecture on my part but still, I think it’s worthy of your consideration.

While I have the floor, here are some other bodily systems/functions I think you should consider making optional and/or on-demand:

* Ear wax
* Phlegm
* Flatulence
* Diarrhea

Since humans spend millions in pharmacies each year on products to control/reduce/rid ourselves of these often-embarrassing extras, perhaps you should consider this a unanimous rejection of them.

I realize this request is a tall order but I propose speeding up the process of natural selection as a work-around until the Menstrual On/Off Switch is developed, tested and introduced into the species. Another possibility is a massive uterus donation drive. I’ll gladly sign mine over to a barren woman. Seriously, take my healthy ovaries, please.

Thank you for your time

Sincerely,

Dulce (the one you sort of goofed up on).