infinitepossibilities

i’m in pain.

and damn it to hell and back, those mefenamic acid tablets are not working their magic.
perhaps my tolerance for pain has lessened to some degree since the pain i’m feeling makes
me wanna cry and bang doors, walls, and tables.

a few weeks back, i decided to take some hormones to curb my continuous bleeding. two
weeks of continuous heavy bleeding, with only three to four days of reprieve from menstrual
flow in a given month put a toll on my body. i started feeling dizzy and suffer from intermittent headaches. because of these, i had some blood work done. just a cbc actually.
went to a doc and he said that had i not maintained iron, my blood something would have been
very, very low..so yeah, i’m back to being anemic. since i’ve been having headaches i decided to try out again some hormone tablets. after taking 3 to 4 of those hormone tablets, my bleeding stop. not a spot and it was like heaven…imagine not having to wear any sanitary pad after … well, i can’t even remember the last time i went out without one. my beautiful u’s condition makes it imperative that i wear one every freakin’ day. so it was
truly a liberating experience.

well, that only lasted for 11 days. that’s because i was only supposed to take the tablets for 10 days and nothing more. had my last one last saturday. according to the medical leaflet of the hormone i took, i could expect withdrawal bleeding two to three days after my
last pill. true enough, the flow was back last monday. it’s more of a “spotting” than a flow really. but it’s weird because even though there was only trickles of blood, i could feel dysmenorrhea-like symptoms. tuesday came and the flow has normalized [everybody's normal - not my normal]. i felt some pain, but it’s tolerable. if this was the withdrawal symptom that the leaflet said, then, it’d be a swell. i could handle it without any trouble. i’ve had worst. believe me! but like one officemate said, “wag magsalita ng patapos!”

my bleeding is in full force today. my complicated feminine system is back in full gear discharging blood, mass of blood. plus, it’s given me a bonus. a freakin’ hell-cursing dysmenorrhea. i’ve never had this kind of pain since probably  five years ago. though i’ve had the forever bleeding problem, there was no pain at all. i can manage that.. well, sometimes… but today.. to complete the package of heavy bleeding and dysmenorrhea is such
an intense punishment. nobody deserves to be feeling the way i’m feeling today. i wont even wish it for my worst enemy. nobody should be feeling this pain. i know there may be a lot of
people out there who are in more pain than i am today, but truly… the pain is just intolerable. i’ve cried bucketful of tears in front of our guard, to our secretaries in the office. it’s shameful to be losing this much control. but if there’s something i can do about it — i would have done it… i’m tapping these keys in the middle of work, not because i’m being irresponsible at my job. i’m tapping these keys hoping that the pain will go away, and i can stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks and make a fool out of myself. i hate this lost of control. i hate that my pain tolerance has lessened. i hate that i’m in pain in the first place…

i just wish all these will all soon be over… gone… i wish doctors could find cure to adenomyosis. i wish there aren’t too many women suffering from this hideous condition. i wish i can handle this better than i’m handling it now. i wish everything will be well. soon. i wish the o.b. whom i’ll see later today will have something new to tell me. i wish she’ll not suggest that i have the hysterectomy done. currently, hysterectomy is the best recourse for people with my condition. i don’t want to lose my uterus yet. i’m a person struggling with faith and for me to agree to have the operation is me signifying that i truly don’t have faith with the jokester above. i still want to believe in miracles. i still want to believe that HE can do something for me. i want to believe. i want to hold on to that. it’s probably crazy that i hold on to the idea that a higher being could provide me answers or miracles. but what alternative do i have?