infinitepossibilities

that’s what i often tell myself when i’m in pain. you don’t want to hit rock bottom, vet else you can’t find your way back to sanity. trust me, you don’t want to lose it. we don’t have the facility for the mentally ill, unfortunately.

then i ask. how can i prevent myself from throwing such a kind of party? i try to listen to friends’ advice to keep myself busy so i can forget the pain. it’s just so darn hard to heed them when my back hurts, my pelvic area hurts…. even lying on bed, i can feel the pain at the back of my pelvis. i feel like i’m in constant need of a good massage in those areas. i truly wish to sleep now but those stabbing pain just keeps me from dozing off. it’s also probably because there are a lot in my head that sleeping right now is just not an option. i’m definitely tired of crying. i’m even full of shame now for bothering friends just so i can be distracted with the pain… so what now??

because i’m currently in pain. AGAIN… what else is new with me? my toy’s clock says it’s 12:28 AM, but i’m still UP because the pain i’m feeling around my pelvic area is too terrible that it prevents me from going to the land of zzzzz…. i’ve bothered, well spammed he who gives pleasure and pain once again for i know he’d understand [or get annoyed with my incessant thrashing over this pain] i don’t know why i often choose him every time i’m in pain land… probably because he keeps saying that friends should be there for each other during kalipay and kasakit…haha, unfortunately, for him it’s often kasakit ako maalagad… hehe, bitaw seriously…i’m again tapping the keys in order to delude my brain that doing so can at least alleviate some of the pain… in the last two hours, i’ve popped mefenamic acid tablets, but they’re the generic type so i’m not surprised why they’re not working their magic and i’m still in such pain. a lot of people can’t relate to my pain and bleeding symptoms and often pass it off as me being mental or just imagining pain…but believe me people - the pain is real. of course, only those who have the condition that i have can vouch that what i’m experiencing is real.

i generally consider myself a very strong person - but when my pain symptom hits me, i can’t help but feel that i’m the weakest individual there is. my pain reduces me to one crying lunatic choosing to deal with the pain on her own - at least physically - but shouting the fact to whole world. i could definitely choose to go home to my parent’s house, but i just cant subject or have them see me in this state - crying like it’s the end of the world. seriously, sometimes i can’t help but ask the jokester that if this is what he intends for me, i think i’ll be better off dead than be a living, but a non-functioning individual.

to the jokester: please GOD, take this pain away. an officemate’s tagline reminds me that i should not ask you if you give me problems because i sure do not ask you when you give me so much blessings.. but human as i am, i can’t help but question all these…what’s the reason behind all this pain.. what can i do so you’ll grant this wish to have a pain-free or normal reproductive system??? i want so much to believe that you can give me miracles, but darn..i’m such a weakling right now, that i just want all these to stop… let me forget pain… i recognize that you can’t give me everything, but just give me this please… no more pain. hurot na ako luha, lord…take my pain away, please..please.. please… i beg you.