someday soon!!!
let me grab on tight to my sanity. i’ll figure things out. eventually. i always do.
Archive for April, 2009
19
Apr
curse this pain
i perfectly know that it’s no longer cute. but what can i do? i’m currently in excruciating pain. AGAIN. i curse this pain with all of my breath. it’s so unfair to be feeling this much pain. yes, ive been through this before, i should probably be used to it by now… well, i can argue that — but when i’m currently feeling the pain - it doesnt matter what i’ve been through the previous months. each pain is different somehow. i’m feeling it now and i’m hating every bit of it. my doc advised me before to just deal with the pain since it’s my necessary evil. there’s not much i can do for it except bear it and hope for the best. an hour before i popped one ponstan sf 500 mg. i dont seem to experience any relief so i popped another one… it’s probably this that lead some of the addicts to try heavy dose drugs. i can so relate to house right now. if only i’ve something to kill the pain… i’ve probably taken it without batting an eyelash. i’m probably in too real a pain that i’m actually considering illegal drugs. good thing i dont have access to it coz really i’m tempted right now to try anything. i’ve spammed he-who-causes-pain-and-pleasure’s phone just a few moments back. well, he’s choosing to ignore me. i can’t blame him… he needn’t have to deal with my pain. so it’s also unfair of me to expect something from him at this hour. anyway, i’m just tapping the keys to distract me from the pain. i wish i could just sleep the pain off, but with its intensity i doubt if sleep is an option for me too…
last friday, i attended a vinyasa yoga session. it was my first time to attend this type of yoga class. it was a totally different kind of yoga. its focus is more on movement and breathing - synchronization of the two actually. it’s far different from the kind of yoga i’m used to. since i’m merely a beginner, i’m used to soft-gentle yoga where focus is more on stretches.. i’ve been attending soft-gentle yoga classes the past few months [intermittently]. our session last friday got me excited as we tried vinyasa yoga. i don’t know much of the poses though. the movements were fast, they’ve very challenging to one’s muscle strength and for only a few minutes of breathing and execution of poses i’m all hot and sweaty. ten minutes into the session, i was like “patay - kaya kaha ni?”. i haven’t developed strength and flexibility yet, so much of the poses were a challenge. i’m truly looking forward to my next yoga class. i know i’ll have more body aches, but they’re good pain to me. it’s the kind that exhilarates me.
unfortunately, there’s the kind of pain that will prevent me from attending my class tomorrow. since the night of saturday i had my first day of withdrawal bleeding. this is an expected occurrence after my third cycle of progesterone. i’m hating the pain and the blood discharge for many reasons. one, these symptoms will reduce me to being a crying lunatic again. i hate the symptoms because it makes me doubt my capacity to be independent. it’s like i’m enjoying solo living then all of a sudden, i’m back to being this needy person wanting someone for company. it’s during this time that i want he-who-causes-pain-and-pleasure to be around. i want to see his face as he smiles all the time. when he’s around, his presence makes me try harder to forget my pain. like last night, when he dropped by to return the drill he borrowed and gave me a copy of the movie i asked of him. he caught me doing my laundry and made a casual comment on why i was doing it at night. well, i could only offer a lame excuse and a plea to leave my place immediately as i don’t want him watching me doing a poor job at washing my own clothes. in reality, i was doing the laundry to try to mask the pain i was feeling at my pelvic area. i was hoping that with my hands occupied, i could forget that i’m in pain. it’s really weird, i don’t want him to see me writhing in pain but at the other end of the spectrum i want him to be around so i can draw strength from his presence. as of this moment, i so want him just to distract me from the pain. but i’m aware that he has a life of his own. i cannot summon him whenever i want to. contrary to what you [few dear readers] may think of this post, there’s nothing going ON between us. yes, at one moment of time, i dared express having feelings for the person and since then we’ve both acknowledged that we can only be friends and nothing more. yes, we’re admittedly close but there’s nothing to it. from time to time, he allows me to do some stupid things as bothering him with my complaints of pain but most of the time i’m also this sane person who knows i need to set some limits to some of the things i do. so achinette kong, your money is safe. there’s no need for you to purchase that airconditioning unit.
anyhow, i’m still doing a poor attempt at forgetting my pain. ponstan sf can only do so much. so will try to distract myself and resume watching episodes of True Blood. i close this post with great regret that i won’t be able to attend yoga class tomorrow night and report to work. knowing what i know of my symptoms… things will probably get better for me by tuesday or wednesday. hayy…as much as i dont have a life, i dont want to be spending my next saturdays making up for my absences due to this sickness. i could only cross my fingers that there’s a miracle for me and i’ll be completely healed of my adenomyosis.
12
Apr
4 days off work…
and what did i do?
i kept myself cooped up in my pet house. there’s really nothing much in the house, but for some reason i could not bring myself out of it.
thursday.
i woke up sometime past six in the morning. took care of giving myself a puff of rhinitis spray. checked out my toy if the series and movies i was trying to download were done. they weren’t. why not, you ask? because i’ve chosen to download really, really, really, old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy [Season 3] and Two and A Half Men [Season 4]. so yeah, even up to this writing, i’m still downloading. Grey’s, which is about 8.40 gig, and TwoAndAHalfMen, which is about 4.6 gig, are only 95.5% and 46.6% downloaded respectively. so my little toy’s been acting like a horsemachine for almost 4 days now. i couldn’t turn my toy off and just resume the download later because a few months back, john configured my toy with DEEPFREEZE software that anything i do is considered temporary by my toy. thus, restarting my toy means, i will have lost anything i’ve done as IF i havent downloaded or done work with it. i could easily ask him to cancel deepfreeze. But one, he forgot the administrator password of my toy and he needs it to remove programs and two, for weird reasons, i like that my toy don’t have any long term memory. yes, there are drawbacks, but there’s also an upside to it.
anyway, after i had some personal stuff done, the day was all housework for me. swept the floor, mopped the floors of blue and purple rooms, and the living room. cooked my version of chicken paksiw, washed dishes, and watched the latest episodes of Heroes, House, and Fringe. took a long shower, then did my laundry as i listened to Broadway hits, which also took me a couple of days to download 2.2 gig of hits from Les Miz, Phantom, Rent, West Side, and a host of others. i capped the day watching the movie 21 and episodes of the series Chuck and episode 1 of The Mentalist.
friday.
woke up sometime past 10 a.m. did an hour or so of yoga. managed to do yoga again since i borrowed the office’s laptop to finish off some work. had a really, really, late breakfast as i watched an episode of Chuck. did the dishes and hit the shower after. Since i brought the laptop to do some work, i had to do what must be done after i’ve taken care of my stomach. last tuesday, dana sent me an mp3 file to transcribe, thus, i spent the whole afternoon until 9 PM transcribing the freakin’ mp3. as i’m one who couldn’t put off something i’ve started until it’s finished, i was unable to drag myself to whip up something for lunch except make myself a cup of coffee and pop some cornik. in fact, when he-who-causes-pain-and-pleasure showed his face at my windows out of nowhere, i only managed to open the door for him and then resumed work. haha, told him i’ve to finish my thing so can’t really talk and that he’d just have to get what it was he needed to borrow for himself. soon after he was gone, i finished transcribing, but could not bring myself to subject my ears again with all those Korean question statements and English dialogues and monologues. decided to rest my eyes for a few minutes, but fell asleep and woke up around past midnight. hit the shower again and rewarded myself with a movie. then i could not bring myself back to sleep and found myself surfing the Internet until it was already 6 A.M.
saturday.
began the day by hitting the sack. woke up sometime 11 a.m., and did an hour or so of cardio exercise and yoga. yes, though my wide waistline disproves it, i just love sweating through exercise. and yeah, i’m taking advantage of the holidays and the fact that i’m blood-free for the next couple of days. if not for my bleeding problem, i would be exercising my hearts out. so yeah, allow me the luxury of exercise as it’s only a few days from now until i hit my withdrawal bleeding period again for the 3rd cycle of progesterone treatment. after enjoying my late breakfast, i hit the shower and resumed work. koreans, i noticed, tend to flood me with extra work if they realize our office will be closed for a few days. so, it was editing work for me the whole Saturday afternoon until dinner time. since i was only to do some editing work on a story, i managed to whip up some dessert and cook macaroni and tuna in spaghetti sauce. after i had dinner, i rewarded myself by watching an old movie of Diane Lane, “Under the Tuscan Sun”. Darn, beautiful sceneries of Tuscany and Rome. hit the shower again and tried to read the book i asked for Christmas, again with “Broadway” hits in the background, but found myself beckoned by my bed. so it was an early night for me. hit the sack around 10 PM and believe me, it’s a treat for me to be able to sleep this early.
sunday.
nothing extraordinary. did an hour of yoga upon waking up. had some of the macaroni and dessert that i made the previous day. watched a couple of movies: a Filipino indie entitled “MISSTAKEN” and a review of the movie “21″. checked on the progress of my downloads and now writing this stuff. as of this moment, my phone’s signalling an incoming message. it’s probably my parents wondering why i haven’t shown myself in labangon. so off to the shower for me now.
