someday soon!!!
let me grab on tight to my sanity. i’ll figure things out. eventually. i always do.
Author Archive for decrechoice
19
Apr
curse this pain
i perfectly know that it’s no longer cute. but what can i do? i’m currently in excruciating pain. AGAIN. i curse this pain with all of my breath. it’s so unfair to be feeling this much pain. yes, ive been through this before, i should probably be used to it by now… well, i can argue that — but when i’m currently feeling the pain - it doesnt matter what i’ve been through the previous months. each pain is different somehow. i’m feeling it now and i’m hating every bit of it. my doc advised me before to just deal with the pain since it’s my necessary evil. there’s not much i can do for it except bear it and hope for the best. an hour before i popped one ponstan sf 500 mg. i dont seem to experience any relief so i popped another one… it’s probably this that lead some of the addicts to try heavy dose drugs. i can so relate to house right now. if only i’ve something to kill the pain… i’ve probably taken it without batting an eyelash. i’m probably in too real a pain that i’m actually considering illegal drugs. good thing i dont have access to it coz really i’m tempted right now to try anything. i’ve spammed he-who-causes-pain-and-pleasure’s phone just a few moments back. well, he’s choosing to ignore me. i can’t blame him… he needn’t have to deal with my pain. so it’s also unfair of me to expect something from him at this hour. anyway, i’m just tapping the keys to distract me from the pain. i wish i could just sleep the pain off, but with its intensity i doubt if sleep is an option for me too…
last friday, i attended a vinyasa yoga session. it was my first time to attend this type of yoga class. it was a totally different kind of yoga. its focus is more on movement and breathing - synchronization of the two actually. it’s far different from the kind of yoga i’m used to. since i’m merely a beginner, i’m used to soft-gentle yoga where focus is more on stretches.. i’ve been attending soft-gentle yoga classes the past few months [intermittently]. our session last friday got me excited as we tried vinyasa yoga. i don’t know much of the poses though. the movements were fast, they’ve very challenging to one’s muscle strength and for only a few minutes of breathing and execution of poses i’m all hot and sweaty. ten minutes into the session, i was like “patay - kaya kaha ni?”. i haven’t developed strength and flexibility yet, so much of the poses were a challenge. i’m truly looking forward to my next yoga class. i know i’ll have more body aches, but they’re good pain to me. it’s the kind that exhilarates me.
unfortunately, there’s the kind of pain that will prevent me from attending my class tomorrow. since the night of saturday i had my first day of withdrawal bleeding. this is an expected occurrence after my third cycle of progesterone. i’m hating the pain and the blood discharge for many reasons. one, these symptoms will reduce me to being a crying lunatic again. i hate the symptoms because it makes me doubt my capacity to be independent. it’s like i’m enjoying solo living then all of a sudden, i’m back to being this needy person wanting someone for company. it’s during this time that i want he-who-causes-pain-and-pleasure to be around. i want to see his face as he smiles all the time. when he’s around, his presence makes me try harder to forget my pain. like last night, when he dropped by to return the drill he borrowed and gave me a copy of the movie i asked of him. he caught me doing my laundry and made a casual comment on why i was doing it at night. well, i could only offer a lame excuse and a plea to leave my place immediately as i don’t want him watching me doing a poor job at washing my own clothes. in reality, i was doing the laundry to try to mask the pain i was feeling at my pelvic area. i was hoping that with my hands occupied, i could forget that i’m in pain. it’s really weird, i don’t want him to see me writhing in pain but at the other end of the spectrum i want him to be around so i can draw strength from his presence. as of this moment, i so want him just to distract me from the pain. but i’m aware that he has a life of his own. i cannot summon him whenever i want to. contrary to what you [few dear readers] may think of this post, there’s nothing going ON between us. yes, at one moment of time, i dared express having feelings for the person and since then we’ve both acknowledged that we can only be friends and nothing more. yes, we’re admittedly close but there’s nothing to it. from time to time, he allows me to do some stupid things as bothering him with my complaints of pain but most of the time i’m also this sane person who knows i need to set some limits to some of the things i do. so achinette kong, your money is safe. there’s no need for you to purchase that airconditioning unit.
anyhow, i’m still doing a poor attempt at forgetting my pain. ponstan sf can only do so much. so will try to distract myself and resume watching episodes of True Blood. i close this post with great regret that i won’t be able to attend yoga class tomorrow night and report to work. knowing what i know of my symptoms… things will probably get better for me by tuesday or wednesday. hayy…as much as i dont have a life, i dont want to be spending my next saturdays making up for my absences due to this sickness. i could only cross my fingers that there’s a miracle for me and i’ll be completely healed of my adenomyosis.
12
Apr
4 days off work…
and what did i do?
i kept myself cooped up in my pet house. there’s really nothing much in the house, but for some reason i could not bring myself out of it.
thursday.
i woke up sometime past six in the morning. took care of giving myself a puff of rhinitis spray. checked out my toy if the series and movies i was trying to download were done. they weren’t. why not, you ask? because i’ve chosen to download really, really, really, old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy [Season 3] and Two and A Half Men [Season 4]. so yeah, even up to this writing, i’m still downloading. Grey’s, which is about 8.40 gig, and TwoAndAHalfMen, which is about 4.6 gig, are only 95.5% and 46.6% downloaded respectively. so my little toy’s been acting like a horsemachine for almost 4 days now. i couldn’t turn my toy off and just resume the download later because a few months back, john configured my toy with DEEPFREEZE software that anything i do is considered temporary by my toy. thus, restarting my toy means, i will have lost anything i’ve done as IF i havent downloaded or done work with it. i could easily ask him to cancel deepfreeze. But one, he forgot the administrator password of my toy and he needs it to remove programs and two, for weird reasons, i like that my toy don’t have any long term memory. yes, there are drawbacks, but there’s also an upside to it.
anyway, after i had some personal stuff done, the day was all housework for me. swept the floor, mopped the floors of blue and purple rooms, and the living room. cooked my version of chicken paksiw, washed dishes, and watched the latest episodes of Heroes, House, and Fringe. took a long shower, then did my laundry as i listened to Broadway hits, which also took me a couple of days to download 2.2 gig of hits from Les Miz, Phantom, Rent, West Side, and a host of others. i capped the day watching the movie 21 and episodes of the series Chuck and episode 1 of The Mentalist.
friday.
woke up sometime past 10 a.m. did an hour or so of yoga. managed to do yoga again since i borrowed the office’s laptop to finish off some work. had a really, really, late breakfast as i watched an episode of Chuck. did the dishes and hit the shower after. Since i brought the laptop to do some work, i had to do what must be done after i’ve taken care of my stomach. last tuesday, dana sent me an mp3 file to transcribe, thus, i spent the whole afternoon until 9 PM transcribing the freakin’ mp3. as i’m one who couldn’t put off something i’ve started until it’s finished, i was unable to drag myself to whip up something for lunch except make myself a cup of coffee and pop some cornik. in fact, when he-who-causes-pain-and-pleasure showed his face at my windows out of nowhere, i only managed to open the door for him and then resumed work. haha, told him i’ve to finish my thing so can’t really talk and that he’d just have to get what it was he needed to borrow for himself. soon after he was gone, i finished transcribing, but could not bring myself to subject my ears again with all those Korean question statements and English dialogues and monologues. decided to rest my eyes for a few minutes, but fell asleep and woke up around past midnight. hit the shower again and rewarded myself with a movie. then i could not bring myself back to sleep and found myself surfing the Internet until it was already 6 A.M.
saturday.
began the day by hitting the sack. woke up sometime 11 a.m., and did an hour or so of cardio exercise and yoga. yes, though my wide waistline disproves it, i just love sweating through exercise. and yeah, i’m taking advantage of the holidays and the fact that i’m blood-free for the next couple of days. if not for my bleeding problem, i would be exercising my hearts out. so yeah, allow me the luxury of exercise as it’s only a few days from now until i hit my withdrawal bleeding period again for the 3rd cycle of progesterone treatment. after enjoying my late breakfast, i hit the shower and resumed work. koreans, i noticed, tend to flood me with extra work if they realize our office will be closed for a few days. so, it was editing work for me the whole Saturday afternoon until dinner time. since i was only to do some editing work on a story, i managed to whip up some dessert and cook macaroni and tuna in spaghetti sauce. after i had dinner, i rewarded myself by watching an old movie of Diane Lane, “Under the Tuscan Sun”. Darn, beautiful sceneries of Tuscany and Rome. hit the shower again and tried to read the book i asked for Christmas, again with “Broadway” hits in the background, but found myself beckoned by my bed. so it was an early night for me. hit the sack around 10 PM and believe me, it’s a treat for me to be able to sleep this early.
sunday.
nothing extraordinary. did an hour of yoga upon waking up. had some of the macaroni and dessert that i made the previous day. watched a couple of movies: a Filipino indie entitled “MISSTAKEN” and a review of the movie “21″. checked on the progress of my downloads and now writing this stuff. as of this moment, my phone’s signalling an incoming message. it’s probably my parents wondering why i haven’t shown myself in labangon. so off to the shower for me now.
22
Mar
don’t throw a pity party
that’s what i often tell myself when i’m in pain. you don’t want to hit rock bottom, vet else you can’t find your way back to sanity. trust me, you don’t want to lose it. we don’t have the facility for the mentally ill, unfortunately.
then i ask. how can i prevent myself from throwing such a kind of party? i try to listen to friends’ advice to keep myself busy so i can forget the pain. it’s just so darn hard to heed them when my back hurts, my pelvic area hurts…. even lying on bed, i can feel the pain at the back of my pelvis. i feel like i’m in constant need of a good massage in those areas. i truly wish to sleep now but those stabbing pain just keeps me from dozing off. it’s also probably because there are a lot in my head that sleeping right now is just not an option. i’m definitely tired of crying. i’m even full of shame now for bothering friends just so i can be distracted with the pain… so what now??
21
Mar
please pray…
i know i don’t have a wide readership… but to the few souls who get to read this post… please pray for me… i’m currently experiencing excruciating pain… i’m one with too much pride, but i’m going to have to put it aside and ask for your prayers… please pray that my pain will be gone… will truly appreciate it…
thanks…
because i’m currently in pain. AGAIN… what else is new with me? my toy’s clock says it’s 12:28 AM, but i’m still UP because the pain i’m feeling around my pelvic area is too terrible that it prevents me from going to the land of zzzzz…. i’ve bothered, well spammed he who gives pleasure and pain once again for i know he’d understand [or get annoyed with my incessant thrashing over this pain] i don’t know why i often choose him every time i’m in pain land… probably because he keeps saying that friends should be there for each other during kalipay and kasakit…haha, unfortunately, for him it’s often kasakit ako maalagad… hehe, bitaw seriously…i’m again tapping the keys in order to delude my brain that doing so can at least alleviate some of the pain… in the last two hours, i’ve popped mefenamic acid tablets, but they’re the generic type so i’m not surprised why they’re not working their magic and i’m still in such pain. a lot of people can’t relate to my pain and bleeding symptoms and often pass it off as me being mental or just imagining pain…but believe me people - the pain is real. of course, only those who have the condition that i have can vouch that what i’m experiencing is real.
i generally consider myself a very strong person - but when my pain symptom hits me, i can’t help but feel that i’m the weakest individual there is. my pain reduces me to one crying lunatic choosing to deal with the pain on her own - at least physically - but shouting the fact to whole world. i could definitely choose to go home to my parent’s house, but i just cant subject or have them see me in this state - crying like it’s the end of the world. seriously, sometimes i can’t help but ask the jokester that if this is what he intends for me, i think i’ll be better off dead than be a living, but a non-functioning individual.
to the jokester: please GOD, take this pain away. an officemate’s tagline reminds me that i should not ask you if you give me problems because i sure do not ask you when you give me so much blessings.. but human as i am, i can’t help but question all these…what’s the reason behind all this pain.. what can i do so you’ll grant this wish to have a pain-free or normal reproductive system??? i want so much to believe that you can give me miracles, but darn..i’m such a weakling right now, that i just want all these to stop… let me forget pain… i recognize that you can’t give me everything, but just give me this please… no more pain. hurot na ako luha, lord…take my pain away, please..please.. please… i beg you.
26
Feb
after ordeal gratitude
the general feeling is one of lethargy. the lack of
energy is draining the sap out of me. i’m very much
aware that i won’t die of my condition. i’m very much
aware that there are people who are much sicker
than me. as my friend pointed out, in this relative
world, i should take comfort in the fact that there are
others who are in much deep shit than i am [hehe, i
could not remember the words verbatim - but that
was the gist of it]. well, i recognize the truth in her
words, but sometimes exhaustion just kicks in.
currently, i have a mind that is very much willing to
fight and emerge victorious, yet my body is
screaming for everything to just stop - the
headaches, the intermittent pain - the blood flow. it’s
weird why i’m feeling them now when i’ve no reason
to. i’m already into my 7th day of withdrawal
bleeding, and from 12 soaked pads a day, i’ve
reduced to just 5. i also stop popping painkillers
today to test if i can go through the motions of my
everyday life without depending on them. so far, i’m
not feeling any pain in my pelvic area, just the nasty
headache. everything is looking good, yet i can’t
successfully convince myself that i’m hundred
percent fine. i blame it on my pale lips. haha, i’ve
bitten them several times today but it only works for
a few minutes and them lips are back to being pale.
i guess, i should avoid mirrors today and cross my
fingers that nobody would comment about them
being pale…hehe, people - i have to shed off my
very thick uterine lining - every inch of those lining,
thus - the too much blood discharge and yeah, the
pale lips…
anyway, pale lips aside - i wish to thank all the
friends i bothered the past few days. believe me
guys, your indulging my “thinking aloud” messages
helped me get through my pain. achinette kong, i’m
thankful that i finally listened to you to go see your
doctor. she was truly a great help as she’s the first
doctor i’ve had in years whom i can call or text when
my symptoms are at its worst. thanks also to the one
who causes pain and pleasure for talking nonsense
to me and for introducing jamal malik. hehe, it sure
was a great distraction and a tremendous help. let
me apologize also for doing the wrong thing one
night. i just didn’t know better.
10
Feb
damnation
i’m in pain.
and damn it to hell and back, those mefenamic acid tablets are not working their magic.
perhaps my tolerance for pain has lessened to some degree since the pain i’m feeling makes
me wanna cry and bang doors, walls, and tables.
a few weeks back, i decided to take some hormones to curb my continuous bleeding. two
weeks of continuous heavy bleeding, with only three to four days of reprieve from menstrual
flow in a given month put a toll on my body. i started feeling dizzy and suffer from intermittent headaches. because of these, i had some blood work done. just a cbc actually.
went to a doc and he said that had i not maintained iron, my blood something would have been
very, very low..so yeah, i’m back to being anemic. since i’ve been having headaches i decided to try out again some hormone tablets. after taking 3 to 4 of those hormone tablets, my bleeding stop. not a spot and it was like heaven…imagine not having to wear any sanitary pad after … well, i can’t even remember the last time i went out without one. my beautiful u’s condition makes it imperative that i wear one every freakin’ day. so it was
truly a liberating experience.
well, that only lasted for 11 days. that’s because i was only supposed to take the tablets for 10 days and nothing more. had my last one last saturday. according to the medical leaflet of the hormone i took, i could expect withdrawal bleeding two to three days after my
last pill. true enough, the flow was back last monday. it’s more of a “spotting” than a flow really. but it’s weird because even though there was only trickles of blood, i could feel dysmenorrhea-like symptoms. tuesday came and the flow has normalized [everybody's normal - not my normal]. i felt some pain, but it’s tolerable. if this was the withdrawal symptom that the leaflet said, then, it’d be a swell. i could handle it without any trouble. i’ve had worst. believe me! but like one officemate said, “wag magsalita ng patapos!”
my bleeding is in full force today. my complicated feminine system is back in full gear discharging blood, mass of blood. plus, it’s given me a bonus. a freakin’ hell-cursing dysmenorrhea. i’ve never had this kind of pain since probably five years ago. though i’ve had the forever bleeding problem, there was no pain at all. i can manage that.. well, sometimes… but today.. to complete the package of heavy bleeding and dysmenorrhea is such
an intense punishment. nobody deserves to be feeling the way i’m feeling today. i wont even wish it for my worst enemy. nobody should be feeling this pain. i know there may be a lot of
people out there who are in more pain than i am today, but truly… the pain is just intolerable. i’ve cried bucketful of tears in front of our guard, to our secretaries in the office. it’s shameful to be losing this much control. but if there’s something i can do about it — i would have done it… i’m tapping these keys in the middle of work, not because i’m being irresponsible at my job. i’m tapping these keys hoping that the pain will go away, and i can stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks and make a fool out of myself. i hate this lost of control. i hate that my pain tolerance has lessened. i hate that i’m in pain in the first place…
i just wish all these will all soon be over… gone… i wish doctors could find cure to adenomyosis. i wish there aren’t too many women suffering from this hideous condition. i wish i can handle this better than i’m handling it now. i wish everything will be well. soon. i wish the o.b. whom i’ll see later today will have something new to tell me. i wish she’ll not suggest that i have the hysterectomy done. currently, hysterectomy is the best recourse for people with my condition. i don’t want to lose my uterus yet. i’m a person struggling with faith and for me to agree to have the operation is me signifying that i truly don’t have faith with the jokester above. i still want to believe in miracles. i still want to believe that HE can do something for me. i want to believe. i want to hold on to that. it’s probably crazy that i hold on to the idea that a higher being could provide me answers or miracles. but what alternative do i have?
05
Feb
untitled
feb. 4, 2009
i spent a few minutes of my time in the office’s cave earlier today. whenever i have a lot of my mind that’s related to work, i often seek refuge in the cave. well, the two beings there often give me perspective. though i don’t talk to them about the exact nature of my work problems, i, most of the time, will hear and catch something from what they say that gives me back my bearing.
i’ve a problem with my beautiful uterus. i’m single. may not have a child because of the former. without my planning it, i come to consider the members of my team my kids. i’m only about a year to seven years their senior, however, i can’t seem to help but feel responsible for them. it’s true that i am generally an absentee guardian to them, as i don’t have a lot of personal moments with them, but i can’t help feel a deep loss each time i receive that single white piece of paper or when i’ve to decide to move them to another team to better their career [hopefully, that’s the result of the move. i guess, i’ve to give myself a little credit, at pulling off a positive vibe during THE TALK, when deep inside i want to keep them forever.
forever is sure at the forefront of my mind, but i know without doubt that i can’t clip my kid’s wings. if it’s time for them to go, i’ve to let them go. it hurts and it deeply saddens me, but i also recognize that it’s their decision, their choice to go and i’ve to respect and honor that. my only wish that their leaving will take them to much better places.
