infinitepossibilities

i couldn’t care less if the above happens in the workplace. it only means irresponsibility on the part of the worker who has no concept of basic human decency.

but what if a friend whom you consider your very main sounding board chooses to go a.w.o.l on you for reasons she’s not quite ready to share.

it’s cute. sure. give the person her space. she has every right to choose whom she wishes to see or not.

at the back of your mind, you know and recognize that a friend can only be a friend nothing more. a friend will never have the right to impose on the other friend’s life.

you know that. there’s no question or even iota of doubt in you that there really is a limitation to friendships.

you respect your friend’s choice not to see you.

perhaps, she’s really in the middle of something and she has reached that part of her life when you’re no longer needed.

how do you accept that?
how do you stop yourself from crying?
how do you convince yourself that you were not discarded?

some day soon… she says.

how do you tell yourself that she really needs to distance herself from you?
how do you stop yourself from getting angry at her?
what do you tell yourself that it really is her choice and there’s really not much you can do about it.

why am i getting narrow-minded?

one word: loss

you don’t like the loss because the long talks is that which keeps your sanity.

have you considered that you must have over burdened her with all your crap and indecisions that you’ve become toxic to her? thus, she chose distance?

i feel the hurt right now. big time.

for a while i will ignore you. sure, you’ll get a one-word reply from me. that’s me in denial and abandoned. let me at least have that. but in the long run, despite these words, even the seemingly unfair accusations, these are just loneliness talking. darn, i just miss talking to you.. well, more like blabbering..

only one realization;
whatever your friend decides to do, or however long your friend decides to stay away from you, one thing is guaranteed, you know you will always be there when she decides to report back to duty. always.

hopefully, it wouldn’t change. hopefully time would not come that the absence becomes the norm and acceptance is what you choose to do.

i had a bad saturday. the day actually didn’t quite start right. it was the day the orientation for my mission mactan was set. it was on that same day that i could get the keys to my little row house. the previous night, i was a bit anxious if i could make it to the 9:30 a.m. sched. i live all the way from labangon and mactan is miles away. it being a saturday, my body was atuned to waking up at around 11 AM. but thank goodness to entities we call mothers, i was able to wake up at past 6 o’clock. unfortunately, the usual me kicked in and did not shower until seven. my target was to leave the house  at around eight as according to a friend i should allot an hour and half travel time from our place to mactan. after showering, i had a quick bite of eggs and something [i could not remember now]. it was almost eight o’clock when my beautiful u started to act up. thus, i had to check my bag again and made sure i had enough number of whisper ammus, curete, tissue, alcohol, and the sarong - in case, barriers were penetrated.

when i left the house, i could feel my beautiful u calling out for attention. my first thought was to go back to the house and just send word that i could not make it to the orientation. but the second thought, which was "vet, don’t be dictated by your beautiful u" won out. i headed for mactan calling out the dude above to help me make it through the day without much bother from my beautiful u.

i hopped on a 12G jeepney bound for sm. but bless me, i didn’t know that 12G changed routes and had to pass through unknown little streets. this got me to be a little anxious as i feared arriving at the venue late. luckily, when i got off - my ammu served its purpose well. although, i wasn’t that much confident knowing my beautiful u. i got to sm around 9 AM. i readily went to the terminal’s cr, but since the mall won’t be open until 10 AM, the cr was still closed. in spite of not being able to change ammu, i hopped on a taxi. used the curete. no blood on the pad. but when i got out of the taxi, that was when i felt the surge. oh, boy!

i went inside the developer’s off-site office and asked if they had a cr. hehe, instead of asking if the orientation had started, my first question had to be the cr. geez, why couldn’t my beautiful u cooperate with me???

orientation proceeded just fine. had my keys, but my beautiful u was persistent. had to go back again and change ammu.

when i got to my little unit, it was then that things hit me big time. all right, what do i check? darn, their keys couldn’t get the doors open easily. ay ka gubot sa sulod. didn’t they even clean the house before turning over the unit to the homeowner? patay ka, vet. unsa imo buhaton? check the bathroom? how could i when i couldn’t even open it. i’ve around 15 keys with me, and none of them work. all right, vet. calm down. try the back door. darn, the keys again. door won’t even close. breathe..breathe… try the second floor. at least the doors were fine. the switches… outlets… mein, how do i know if the switches and outlets are okay. there’s no electricty, yet.. okay, room’s very dusty. unsa vet? kaya nimo balhin? you didn’t even think that there’d be a lot of work involved. just think about the service area. you’ve to do something with it so you can have a decent laundry area. cracks? how do you determine if the crack on the wall is fine or not??? the ceiling? unsay sakto na pagkatrabaho? patay…patay… call out for help. the very first person that came to my mind who could help me was mahiwagang john. perhaps he’s visiting his unit. i think i saw a bike that looks like his. i wouldn’t know for sure though. alright, pabaga ug nawong. text the person. don’t. you know he has a lot of rackets and you don’t want to impose. so don’t. bahala na. text. just say that if he’s really that busy then he may disregard the message. i did. okay, kaya ra ni, vet. just look around - if you intend to live solo, you should know how to do stuff like this. learn. LEARN. as i tried to convince myself that i could handle things on my own, my beautiful u made its presence known again. this time coupled with a little pain. there were no cr available for me then. i couldn’t be knocking on unknown neighbor’s doors and use their cr.

darn. text back. never mind. uterus emergency. have to leave now.

i got to orange bru tamiya branch just in time. grabbed late lunch. then headed back to sm. di carry ako ra isa? i’m just not a real-life kind of person. palaban. i texted two friends and asked if they could go with me the following day. hopefully, my beautiful u would be fine that day. the first friend ignored the message. i wouldn’t know if she even got it. the other friend replied way past in the evening.

got to sm and wandered around mulling over whether i could accomplish mission mactan. did i make a rash decision? did i truly wish to live on my own as i expressed on my high school year book? could you count on friends? i’ve always held the belief that i could do things on my own. logic: you basically have to do things on your own because friends and family members also have their own lives to run. don’t expect anything from them. you cannot impose. i don’t know why of all days, i chose to challenge that belief. you can actually ask for help from friends, vet. just ask. tough luck. my timing sucked.

walk, walk, walk - yet, it’s not calming my nerves and my beautiful u.

head to the office: cry.

i decided to go to the office, but when i got there; there were people inside. some officemates were preparing for some guests’ arrival come monday.as soon as they all called it a night. that was then i had my release.

all the negative thoughts that my mind could conjure all came rushing. why won’t my beautiful u cooperate with me? why lord do i have to endure this condition? when would it stop? 17 years, lord. why are you punishing me with this condition? i couldn’t do things because i’ve to consider my beautiful u. all the time. why couldn’t i summon the faith to accept all things and just trust in your graces without question? why do i lack the faith? why am i hating the two friends, right now? i have no right to be disappointed with them because like i said, they have lives to run. everything was short notice, so i shouldn’t have expected anything. i got the no expectation, bit.. but why was it so hurtful to think that you were ignored. why did my timing suck, lord? why lord could i not stop these tears? i’m tired. let me not cry some more. i’m tired of the countless trips to the cr, lord. the indignity of having to clean the cr after my beautiful u leaves its mess. as i had myself in check, i decided to go home. i thought i’d walk to calm myself. i didn’t quite cover some distance when i had to go back to our office: beautiful u trouble - what else is new. then the cycle began again.

texted a friend if she could come by and talk some sense into me. the negative thoughts resurfaced and i couldn’t contain it. i need somebody to talk badly. i need help. asap. message ignored.

some friends you have, vet. but don’t give up.

sent a couple of messages to two different friends:

"i’ve a question. what do you do when you’re so overwhelmed with fear and you think there’s no way out for you? what can snap you back to reality? a reply is appreciated this time." [i have to indicate the last line because every time i text this friend, i often tell him to not reply.]

one minute. "music. corny, noh?"

==
hello.hello. kumusta ang life?

five minutes. everything’s okay. why?

==
i exchanged a few messages with them until i deemed it fine to go home. eyes no longer puffy and pretty much relieved. very happy.

you two great people, thank you very,. very much. you both know each other. one of these days, let me buy you guys dinner together.

i rarely see you guys. in fact, once in a blue moon ra ta magkita, but every time i hit rock bottom, you guys have consistently been there for me. i’m even amazed at you, high school him, wala na jud ta kita since what? but always - you’re there. i wish you both happiness. thank you for that saturday. they were only few messages, but i couldn’t begin to describe how they all mean to me that day and now.

i’m a curious person.

i prefer knowing the truth more than opting for ignorance.

a few months back, i got so affected with a "hus dis" reply.

many would shrug it off and consider it NO BIGGIE. but IT IS to me. i’m weird this way.

last night, i let curiosity got the better of me and sent an sms message to the person. sent it to the same number which replied the infamous "hus dis?"

haha.. i still got the same reply. i’ve confirmed that he truly was the intended recipient. this time, it was accommpanied with "i changed phone and some numbers got erased in the process. so yeah, "hus dis?"

hehehe, they’re basically the same "hus dis?" [still wrongly spelled,] yet the effect was somehow different.